Life After Death

Until we meet again

2007-08-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's been a while since I've been here. Life (some good, some not so good) has kept me hopping and by the time I've finished my work for the day/night, I am in so much physical pain due to the fibromyalgia that the idea of sitting here one minute longer than I have to fills me with dread. (And yes, I'm working on that whole pain and fatigue thing and am making some progress after a very scary couple of months.)

Perhaps when life evens out a bit for me, perhaps when and if I get a laptop so maybe I can be online and not be in pain, I'll return, I don't know.

Until then, know my sons and daughter-in-law and grandbaby-to-be are doing well, I continue to lose weight and exercise, work remains challenging and fulfilling, I am revamping my goals and dreams to accommodate some setbacks, I keep living my life, grateful for my friends.

Thank you to all who encouraged me and thanks to all of you whose blogs I still read and enjoy.

Fare thee well.

Two years today

2007-06-27T23:34:00.001-07:00

Seems like yesterday. Feels like a lifetime ago.

You would have hated what I've put myself through the last two years. I think you'd be proud and hopeful for where I am now.

Even as I find my way and move forward, you are missed and still appreciated.

Acknowledging the day and feeling peacefully contemplative within.

A week of fun

2007-06-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

My trip to Victoria with my mother for the Titanic exhibit went well. The exhibit itself was disappointing (and considering I didn't have high expectations, that's saying something) even for my mother who is into the Titanic thing, as were some other things at the museum. BUT we got along great, laughed a LOT, the day turned out beautiful.

It's created a very nice memory of my mother for me, especially considering it's become very clear she's having some pretty blatant cognitive and short term memory issues. Went back to my folks' after the long day for a lively discussion on politics, world issues, etc. I stayed the night there (no sleep) and, though it was raining, we went for a walk on the beach and out for breakfast. It was a good birthday for her, a nice Father's Day for him.

Last week my best friend and I went away to Whistler for a few days for our 30-year anniversary celebration. It was everything we could have hoped for and more. The hotel was nice with a great view. The resort town was lovely for walking and cafes and lively surroundings. We talked and talked and talked, exchanged gifts (she gave me the most thoughtful things), laughed, attempted to get drunk (didn't work).

The zip line tour was more thrilling (this is a GOOD thing) than anticipated. There were five lines in total, two of which were big drops and fast (one had been clocked at 60 mph), with a bit of hiking in between. For anyone wanting a bit of a thrill but bungee jumping or skydiving is more than you'd like, I really recommend this. The one we took ran parallel lines so my best friend and I were going down side by side. Plus the harnesses were more like paragliding harnesses than the uncomfortable rock-climbing harnesses often used. The people running it were wonderful too.

It's all also been a reality check regarding my capabilities regarding the fibromyalgia and I'm currently processing all that means, shifting goals and dreams once again. Still, soooooo much to look forward to and enjoy. Life is good and I'm very fortunate in my relationships.

And it really is no wonder

British Columbia is known

for its beauty.....

This coming weekend.... another trip to Victoria for the Rodin exhibit on Saturday, and the jazz festival and Canada celebrations on Sunday. Then next week a trip to the States for July 4th fireworks.

The Continuing Adventures of SwampHag

2007-06-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

See those pretty flowers? They're kinda how my life's been lately. Colorful and hopeful and a breath of fresh air.

They were a gift today from my best friend. I don't think she has ever come to my home empty-handed and it's almost always flowers. And I love them all, bought, picked from her garden, cut or living (okay, I tend to kill the plants but lately I've even had more luck with that). These are her latest.

Aside from work continuing to be busy, and a busy life in general, and some issues at work I'm not happy about, my life has been pretty good lately.

My sons are doing well. My daughter-in-law is insanely busy and having problems with her blood sugars during the pregnancy (she has Diabetes 1 and it's been a roller coaster and she still isn't even halfway through), but exciting things are happening in her life too. My sons' painting business is growing leaps and bounds, my older son and DIL are going to build a house with the help of my ex, so they'll have a nice new home a few months after the baby is born (they're going to build this coming winter). My DIL will be getting her Bachelors around the time her baby is born AND has been asked to apply to be an assistant to her favorite professor starting in the fall of 2008. She will be doing what she loves (translating from ancient Greek), earning her Masters, and getting published. My younger son has been eating healthier, losing weight, pursuing a busy, sociable life, working hard.

I'm almost afraid of jinxing things by saying this.... I've been dating someone for a while and it's going well so far. I know I will be okay either way and I continue to pursue interests and travel plans. But it sure has been fun to share.

We finally are enjoying some nice weather here. That alone has been a boost.

Today is my mother's birthday, so tomorrow (a day off for me) I'm taking her to Victoria on Vancouver Island to the Royal BC Museum for its Titanic exhibition, a longtime passion of my mother's. I always enjoy the ferry ride over and Victoria in general.

Next week, my best friend and I are going to Whistler/Blackcomb for three days to celebrate 30 years together as best friends. Adventures will include a treetop zipline tour.

I return from that to work next weekend, but Saturday night new man and I will be going to one of the many free venues at the Vancouver Jazz Festival (I'm more into Blues, he's into jazz, and I'm always open to trying music that's new to me).

At the end of the month, my older son, daughter-in-law, new man and I are going again to Victoria to their art gallery for their Rodin exhibit.

It never rains but it pours but - this time - it's almost all good.

Tag! I'm it!

2007-06-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Denise tagged me with the 8 Things Meme because, apparently, I don't blog often enough. Just because I haven't blogged since mid-April.... sheesh! ;-)

Here are the rules:

Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

There's only one problem with that: I don't have eight people I can tag who haven't already been tagged, soooooooo..... I'll just do my thing without passing the tag along.

8 facts/habits about me:

1. My hair length is usually a bit past my shoulders and I love the look and feel of it. BUT I absolutely hate feeling my hair on the back of my neck when I'm sleeping, so I have to flip it up on to the top of my head when sleeping.

2. I love a good western. The first Lonesome Dove miniseries and Deadwood are my favorites but there are quite a few others. Don't like the usual John Wayne fare; my style is more High Noon.

3. One way or another - both online and off - I've been helping men and women heal from childhood sexual abuse for 13 years now. I'm pretty good at it.

4. I drink a mug of hot chocolate every morning and have for decades. In general, if I like something I can eat it almost every day for months or years without getting bored. I have been venturing out of my self-and-allergy-induced mediocrity over the last few years, though. It began with traveling, wanting to experience everything a place had to offer and that includes food. But it's continued here and there.

5. I can rarely work in silence. That's always been the case. In my school days, I did my best studying and essay-writing while the tv and/or stereo was blasting and that's still the case when it comes to working.

6. I like driving fast. I don't tailgate, I don't weave in and out of traffic or cut people off or push when the road is congested, but otherwise, I'm fast. In another life I would have been a race car driver.

7. I don't like mice. I didn't KNOW I didn't like mice until our home was inundated many years ago. Much to my chagrine I instantly became one of those silly women who stand on chairs or counters until the mice are dealt with. They just move too damn fast. Except for one.... he had encountered one of our traps and survived but with a shortened tail and an unsteady leg. He lived in my turned off gas fireplace and would peek out at me now and then before his nightly run to pantry and back. I named him Stanley. He and all the rest of them are long gone now, thank goodness.

8. Despite reading fast allllll day long for my job, despite a speed reading course at which I did really well, I am a slooooooooow reader when it comes to novels. I love taking my time, relishing the language as much as the story being told. It probably doesn't help that I only read in bed at night before sleep so, well, I often go to sleep a few pages in no matter how good the book may be. So it takes me forever to get through a book. Sometimes it amazes me how many books I HAVE read, considering.

Thanks for including me, Denise!

Wanted: One Sense of Humor

2007-04-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

My mother will sometimes go on the attack and she's been doing so lately. When I call her on it, when I don't appreciate her insults, I'm told "Your ex was right; you DON'T have a sense of humor".

Now, I don't think I'm the funniest person in the world but I do enjoy a laugh and enjoy being a clown and making my friends laugh. (One of my greatest joys in life was how easily and often I could make Michael laugh, and others since him.) I can usually find something funny in any situation and where I am in my life (this blog - at least lately - notwithstanding ;-). But for many years I bought into my ex's view of me in this regard.

It took me a long time to realize I actually DID have a sense of humor; I just don't appreciate jokes that put others down nor do I like insults against ME said under the guise of a 'joke'. The only two people who have accused me of not having a sense of humor are my ex and my mother. It's a pretty consistent accusation on their part. (My father and brother probably have the same view but don't say it.) I don't buy it anymore.

At least not completely. I do wonder though and, as is usual for me, something like this will cause some introspection. Because we're often the last ones to know and admit to ourselves the failings everyone else sees. And I may just be in denial.

I DO think I'm oversensitive some of the time to simple lighthearted teasing. I'm not talking about my mother or ex who do/did it meanly with the purpose of hurting me. I'm talking about those I know to love me and are just doing some light joshing. Sometimes I can take it, laugh, give it back and all is fine. Other times - often when I'm tired or in pain or otherwise down for too long - it's a bit harder even while I understand no ill intent is meant.

And I've wondered why that is. Why is it so easy for my best friend and not for me? She and her family joke a lot with each other. It's a nice thing and fun to watch. And I realized what the difference was/is. She grew up with parents who adored and supported her and who do to this day. It was safe for her.

For me, 'jokes' and laughter were so often used to attack and put me down, and that continued in my marriage until I finally smartened up. And yet *I* wasn't allowed to be a goof or clown because that was embarassing to them. Took me a while to free myself from that one.

I hate realizing now that there is still a legacy like this but hey, with awareness comes growth and healing. :-)

Oh, and re my mother.... I'm currently screening my calls. ;-)

Obsessions

2007-04-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

Skeet and Denise shared their obsessions and that got me to thinking about mine.

I am not sure what the definition of an 'obsession' is and whether I truly have any. I don't rabidly collect anything, I don't spend a lot of time THINKING about one thing over another, so I had to bring it down to about what things have held my interest for a good, long time.

Past obsessions included flying, computer games, technology and the online world. But they no longer really fit anymore even though I still enjoy them now and then and, of course, I work in the online world. And I'm focusing on things in my regular personal life, rather than more serious ongoing passionate interests like abuse, female genital mutilation, prejudice, child soldiers, etc.

So here's my current list:

WHALES: This one is at least four decades old, from the first introduction to beluga and killer whales at Stanley Park in Vancouver to seeing them in the wild as an adult. First sighting was off Waikiki, a mother hump back and her baby. Since then many encounters with grey whales off the west coast of Vancouver Island, sometimes close enough to touch, and a pod of playful killer whales unexpectedly meeting up with the ferry to Vancouver Island in 2005. These encounters never lose their magic.

OCEAN: Simply put, it feeds my soul, always has, always will. The wilder the better. When I'm rich I'll be sure to buy property overlooking the open ocean.

SEX/TOUCH: Everything about it -the feel, smells, sounds, tastes - and all that goes with it, the relationships, the impact of everyday life and our pasts on how we relate to each other, how it can deepen the quality of a relationship, how beautiful and fun and silly and hot it can be. The older I get, the more I appreciate sex, from my own experience but also the experiences of others as part of my job is working on message boards focused on sex and relationships.

TV SERIES ON DVD: This medium was made for people like me.... love watching at my own pace, love the behind-the-scenes stuff, the commentaries, all of it. I'm a movie buff too but with the quality of t.v. shows improving, the richness of character development in t.v. is superior for me.

WORD GAMES/PUZZLES: Online with a friend or soloing with the magazines. Great for waiting rooms and airports.

BOOKS & MUSIC: I'm combining these because while they don't feel like obsessions anymore, they are so a part of my everyday world and have been for 40 years; I just can't imagine my life without them despite music currently being an iffy thing for me.

AFRICA: It was probably all those National Geographic shows I grew up on that began this one, but it built as I grew older and read so much - fiction and nonfiction - about Africa. And it deepened as I became and remain aware of all the issues affecting the people who live there. It's nice to contemplate actually going there (well, at least South Africa anyway) within the next couple of years.

HOT CHOCOLATE: Yes, I know this list is already longer than it should be but I just couldn't leave this one out. I've never drunk coffee, not much of a tea drinker anymore and have yet to find an herbal tea I like, so it's hot chocolate every morning. It's just LIGHT hot chocolate nowadays.

I'm sure I'll think of more the second I publish this but there you have 'em.

Murder Mystery

2007-04-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

A little over a week ago I was able to participate in one of those murder mystery dinner parties, in costume and in character. It wasn't one of those scripted ones so it could go in all sorts of directions depending on who you talked to, how you discovered and imparted info, what secrets you divulged, etc. In our case there were 19 people (I think) and boy! it turned out to be FUN!

Freeform Games was used, in particular their Curse of the Pharoah game. If you've ever been interested in these kinds of games, I highly recommend this company. My best friend and her husband put this on and it was an ENORMOUS amount of work, especially as it was a surprise party for her son who turned 19, and had to be kept hush-hush and she could only work on it when he wasn't at home. It included his friends and family and family friends, so the ages went from the teens to his grandparents' ages and was fun for all. Just about everyone, teens and adults alike, showed up in great costume and kept to their characters. My friend did a lot of decorating, they had food out, she and her husband, also in Egyptian costume, ran the show and did brilliantly.

In between trying to stay in character and pursue my character's personal goals, I couldn't stop giggling as I heard some of the things that came out of my mouth or the mouths of others. As a middle-aged rather severe looking Victorian-era Englishwoman archaeologist (whose fiance had been killed decades before and who had given a love child up for adoption after another torrid affair), I had four/five goals to pursue and about halfway through realized my character, once she'd achieved one personal goal and learned some new info about another issue, wouldn't bother with THOSE goals and I went off on my own tangent of pursuit. That's what made it fun; it could go in so many different directions. And it was nice to know that I could still think outside the box.

Everyone had secrets (quite a few spies from various countries too) and hidden agendas, including my son and daughter-in-law's characters. At one point my character discovered something nasty about my DIL's and so I spent some of the evening glaring at her until finally confronting her. *giggle* (Difficult to do because, back then, such confrontations were considered impolite, so it had to be done carefully.)

Another site my friend looked at which could be interesting is Merri Mysteries. Between the two companies, there are games for a variety of sized groups, ages, genders taking place in different areas and eras.

I know these have been around for a while and have become almost cliche but they're worth another look (at least these non-scripted ones) if you want something different.

It was a blast!

Technorati tags: Murder mystery game, Freeform Games, Merri Mysteries, Curse of the Pharoah

Buffyverse

2007-04-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am a huge fan of Joss Whedon and all things in the Buffy universe. I watched the show when it originally aired with my then teenage sons and now own the dvds for all seven seasons. Like a favorite book one returns to like comfort food, I've watched each episode at least four times (one time was for the commentaries) and still get a lot of enjoyment out of them all and STILL can identify with some of the storylines even though I'm 46-yrs-old. (Hmmm.... maybe THAT's my problem.....) It's a smart, witty, often poignant show. And, unfortunately, little on network t.v. comes even close. I miss Joss' presence on the small screen because little on network t.v. comes even close, especially when it comes to dramas. You have to go to cable - Deadwood, Rome, Battlestar Galactica, Carnivale (with only Deadwood having the brilliant mix of humor, poignancy and great writing I long for) - to get the innovative quality I want, Lost, Heroes, Medium, and seasons past of Gilmore Girls notwithstanding. It was nice to see Joss directing an episode of The Office this season though.

Without even tryin' I can link just about every show back to Joss and Buffy, through writers or actors, directors or producers. And no, that's not something I share with just anyone. No need to scare any new friends off early. ;-) (Still haven't figured out a link to Rome, though. *grumble*)

(I also watched Angel - despite not being a big fan of the character - but only on the dvds; less good, more uneven but had some fine and funny moments. Aside from the Buffy world, it's Joss' Firefly and Serenity that really captured me. If you've never seen those, they're worth the rental fee or purchase; don't let the sci-fi crossed with a western label scare you away. It's just unfortunate Fox never allowed it to develop properly and it was canceled before its first season was finished. Having seen what Joss could do with a bunch of teenagers in Buffy, I can only weep at the lost potential of the characters on Firefly.)

Over the years, I rarely came across any other adults my age who liked the show. I came across a lot of sneers though. Or if not downright sneers, a roll of the eyes, a look askance doubting my IQ and sanity. It is, after all, a premise that is downright ridiculous - a cheerleader vampire slayer in Sunnydale, California. I mean, come on! And try and get them to watch it.... not a chance.

My best friend and her husband were among this crowd. She loves me but, since our tastes don't always jive, had ZERO interest in giving Buffy a try.

Well.

I loaned them Firefly and Serenity. They loved it.

I quietly reminded her that the same director did Buffy.

(I am so evil. *snicker*)

So now that their daughter is 16 and they're more comfortable with her watching the show, they've borrowed the series.

And they're all hooked. Muahahaha!!!

And I am content, having brought more over to the dark..... er.... Buffy side.

Technorati Tags: Buffy, Vampire Slayer, Firefly, Serenity, Angel, Deadwood, Carnivale, Joss Whedon

Touching the Void

2007-04-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

If you've never seen this brilliant documentary, it's worth pursuing. On the surface it's about two young British men who climbed a peak in South America in the 80's and how it all goes horribly wrong, about friendship and brutal choices and survival against all odds.

But the real story, the deeper story, is how clear it is that touch and the need for another human being's companionship is absolutely essential to us as human beings. That survival is less important even than the need not to be alone when one dies.

This documentary has always struck a chord with me, as has that horrible old study from the 60s about young chimps dieing not because they didn't have food and water but because they weren't touched. I remember its powerful impact on me when I saw it as a kid and the impact remains.

I get this on a very basic level. I always did and now that my own loneliness overwhelms me, I get in a way I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Loneliness has often lead me to less than healthy choices, allowing people in my life or hanging on to relationships that are hurtful, and I don't just mean romantically or sexually.

Generally, I don't mind being alone. I like my own company and the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I know I can survive and that knowledge is a good thing. I am busy and lead a full life in many ways.

I also have friends (thank goodness for my best friend especially!) and sons and a daughter-in-law whom I love and who love me. I say 'yes' to invitations. I pursue things that interest me. Join in social activities. Get myself out there. Do all sorts of things to connect with others. This isn't always easy, working from home and having some physical issues to deal with, but I never stop.

But it's not enough. And it's gone beyond the skin hunger I've always known. That is more easily satisfied (and I don't mean just sexually) than this profound loneliness.

I miss.....

Going away for a few days and returning and someone caring that I left or that I'm home again.

The lack of regular touch/hugs. (If you know anyone who lives alone, please make a point of touching them whenever the opportunity arises.)

A personal message on my voice mail.

A personal email from that someone special checking in on me.

Someone to wake up with, by phone or in person.

Someone to talk about my day with.

Someone who greets me with a smile, whose eyes light up when I'm there.

I've realized and am coming to accept that I may always miss these things and more and so have to figure out another way to live. Hence the need for the travel and other dreams/goals. And now a new grandbaby to look forward to.

Shaping a new life and a new way of being in the world.

Technorati Tags: Touching the Void, baby chimps, loneliness, skin hunger

Stop Cyber Bullying Day!

2007-03-30T12:32:00.000-07:00

My friends and family know how much I love the online world. While I am aware of the various dangers, the balance, for me, is extremely positive. There's the knowledge and community and just plain fun. It's also meant fulfilling work for me, someone who could not work outside my home. It's brought love and adventure on a breaktaking scale I could never have imagined.

But I can't ignore the negatives either.

There has been a LOT written on this lately all over the blogosphere. Friends Karoli and Denise share their views and research and background links so take a look to get a fuller picture of why this is being discussed again and what others are saying.

I'm going to focus on one aspect of cyber bullying based on my own experience and observations over the years: Misogyny.

It's an ugly word and much like 'homophobia' or 'bigotry', no one wants to accept that label and most men and women don't even want to admit it even really exists in our western world. Sure, it happens elsewhere, but not here, right?

I am a white, middle-class woman who was born in Canada. I live a relatively privileged existence compared to the majority of women in this world. Most of my friends and coworkers are the same.

Lately, I've been more in tune with the ill-treatment of women in other parts of the world and in other cultures (between local and international news, if one's paying attention, you can't get away from it) so I am profoundly grateful for all we have here. It would be stupid not to be.

But we still have a long way to go.

The misogyny here is more behind closed doors and behind computer screens but it's there, always there.

I CAN'T THINK OF A SINGLE WOMAN I PERSONALLY KNOW OR HAVE KNOWN WHO HAS NOT BEEN A VICTIM of physical abuse, rape (stranger or known), sexual abuse, or infidelity on a scale that would put Charlie Sheen to shame. Or all of the above. Not a single one. And that's me in my comfy white middle-class western world. Personally, I've dealt with childhood sexual abuse, rape, physical abuse. All by men who supposedly loved/cared for me.

There's a line from a Paul Simon song that goes something like this:

"In my life it's so common, it disappears."

That's what happens, or at least what happened to me. I forgot. I can't go through my life in hyper-awareness of this. I know it's out there, some really awful experiences are even recent, but I like men and always have, I have two grown sons, I do not think most men are bad, I can't stand the 'men are stupid ha ha' jokes that have become so commonplace in the last decade or so and refuse to share them. Men are not our enemies. Misogyny is. (Another aspect of this is that it's not just men who are guilty of it; women keep it alive and thriving too, with their self-hatred and hatred towards other women/girls - but that's a whole other ugly aspect better left for another day.)

All of the recent attention to this issue has brought it back into the light for me.

I've also been the victim of cyber bullying.

I am a message board moderator and have been for over a decade at various large online sites, some geared towards teens, some towards adults. The general behavior is much the same whether I'm dealing with 14-yr-old boys, young women, or older men. Most are great - fun, thoughtful, giving, creative - some are not. And some are downright vicious.

An old boss used to call it 'net rage', much like road rage; the anonymity results in no real accountability and that gives implicit permission to rage to people who might otherwise never act out.

With the internet, women have found their voices, on message boards, sites like myspace, blogs, etc. They are making themselves heard again. And they often speak with or hold positions of authority.

How dare they?

That's what I've seen, over and over and over again. Again, the majority of men are great. But there are always some men, young and old, who have great difficulty with a female moderator simply because she IS a female. If a man were to say the same things, do the same things there would be less of a problem.

I know this for a couple of reasons, the first being that every place I've worked have had strict guidelines on what moderators can or cannot do. We are always held accountable (and often have to provide evidence) for our actions. So our gender often doesn't enter into how we present ourselves and certainly not in the actions we take.

But I mostly know it because of the kinds of attacks women moderators will be subjected to.

Aside from the usual 'nazi' and 'communist' accusations, these are not unusual:

my sexuality called into question
I need a good fuck and all would be well
I need to be raped and all would be well
I must be fat and ugly and therefore lonely and that's the problem
I need all sorts of things penetrated into me to teach me a lesson
email campaigns to my bosses to get me fired because I'm an emotional woman
I must be suffering from PMS or menopause

And that's the short list.

Many years ago I worked on a site where some members were not happy with how things were going with their favorite game. Avid gamers can be among the most fanatical people you can encounter on the 'net. And that's saying something. A few decided to get personal in their attacks (silly; it's like yelling at the secretary of the automobile manufacturer because your car broke down), one decided to take it a step further.

At the time I used my personal email address and real first name. None gave away my home address or last name but it did leave me more vulnerable. (This is no longer the case with the company I currently work for, and that's a very good policy even while I find it rather constraining at times.) So when the attacks escalated, on the boards, in email (to me and to my bosses; the latter calling for me to be fired), I was unnerved. This person didn't know exactly where I lived but who knew how serious and diligent he could be? Death threats, threats of torture and rape. Was he some teen living on the other side of the continent just enjoying his 'fun' with no intention or ability to actually act on it all or was he someone more serious? We don't know when we're subjected to these things and IT DOESN'T MATTER. The impact is the same because we don't and can't know.

I did not 'know' Kathy Sierra until all this hit the fan. I don't like or dislike her. But I feel for her. She was public enough and attackers knew where she would be at given times. That's scary. And it has changed her life, online and offline.

The saddest part is that these idiots operated protected by others who should have known better and who still refuse to see this as a BIG DEAL.

Men don't know. They really don't. They don't know that women must never forget they don't live in a safe world. They don't know what it's like to know that some men will always see women as 'less than' and available for raping, beating and killing. They can forget but we never can. If we do forget, we often pay a very high price.

Dr. Parker has some thoughts on this and how to keep yourself and your children safe. Don't forget these lessons as you create your myspace pages. Don't forget these lessons as your kids create their own. Don't share last names, locations, school names, team names, pictures that are identifying. Every time you post to a message board to your friends, ANYone can read it. Protect your personal sites which contain pics of you or your kids, etc., with passwords.

In the words of the Sarge on Hill Street Blues:

"Let's be careful out there."

Technorati Tags: Misogyny, Cyber Bullying

I'm gonna be a grandma!!!

2007-03-29T00:10:00.000-07:00

About a month after I turn 47 in November, a little one will be in our lives.

This is a VERY GOOD THING. :-)

Travel

2007-03-28T00:16:00.000-07:00

I traveled a fair amount growing up. When my parents didn't have a lot of money, we regularly went on driving trips all over B.C. My parents are European and in the 70s we went to Europe twice. Went to Ontario a few times to visit relatives. Best trips were a short exchange student trip to Cape Breton in highschool and a ski trip with my best friend to Utah while in college.

I didn't travel again until my older son was 4-yrs-old and my ex and I took him to Disneyland. We adults had never been and seeing it for the first time through a 4-yr-old's eyes was magical. That prompted me to become a travel agent, which resulted in a few more trips, to Disneyland, Florida, Hawaii.

And I love Tofino on the west coast of Vancouver Island.

But I never really LOVED traveling until Michael. Part of that is that traveling with my family wasn't all that great and sometimes traumatizing. (Last year was my parents' 50th wedding anniversary and my brother and his wife and my parents all went to Hawaii together and put some pressure on me to go as well. I couldn't think of anything more unhealthy for me; it's almost laughable how clueless they choose to be.) Traveling with my ex was often a trial. It all got kinda ruined for me.

Michael brought the magic back and I fell in love with not just him but exploring new places, not necessarily knowing where you'll go but enjoying each moment to its fullest, feeling such joy you think you'll burst with it all.

I know I want that again but it's been difficult to imagine doing so without sharing it with a special someone. That's so much a part of what made travel great for me. Last year I looked at women's groups who travel and nothing seemed to fit. The man I was dating a while ago got me interested again but that went by the wayside. My son and daughter-in-law are into traveling and that's got me imagining again.

SO I have some dreams and I've decided I'm not gonna wait around anymore to pursue them.

In some ways, it almost doesn't matter at this point whether I fulfill them or not. What matters is that I have them, have something to look forward to. And I can only rely on myself for that.

My current small list of adventures:

Go sailing. Never have; have always wanted to. It was on my list for last year and I got the plane gliding in but not the sailing once my son's wedding took up so much energy. So I'll look into it again for this summer.
Go away for a few days with my best friend in May, probably somewhere in B.C., to celebrate 30 years as best friends.
South Africa in 2008? Possibly East Africa instead/as well. Both South Africa and some East African countries have long been in my dreams. It'll take me a long time to save up for it all but hey, no other real expenses (if my old fridge cooperates). There are all kinds of vacations to look at, some include doing volunteer work, others more about adventure, and quite a few that don't penalize you for going single (and no, they're not 'singles' vacations - no thanks). There's a possibility a girlfriend may be able to go as well - she has a friend and business contacts in SA - so that could determine what I actually do there. But it has to include Cape Town and Robben Island. I figure I can bear the pain and not sleeping for a couple of weeks and the months of physical fallout following will be well worth it.
Peru in years to come? Dunno. Some interesting excursions there, too.

Writing them down here will perhaps make me them real. :-)

Here I Am

2007-03-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

Still standing. Barely, admittedly.

January was fun and it all went downhill from there, both a physical and emotional rollercoaster, triggering issues from which I'm still reeling.

Physically, the pain is currently easing somewhat, sleep and allergies are semi under control. Otherwise, it's a work in progress. Not in the depths of it anymore anyway, more on the edge having climbed out of the dark hole.

I'm back to avoiding music for the most part, music and silence. Haven't picked up my camera since January (partly due to ugly wet dark weather.) But I'll get there again.

And I still love my car and iPod while driving. (Even went for a long driving trip to Oregon and back to visit a friend and her husband - nice visit but ridiculously short which was my fault. I'd thought I had to save vacation time for other things which have gone away now. And iPod on shuffle is simply great.)

Someone was nice enough to ask after me recently (thank you!) and between that and where my thoughts have been going the last week or so, it's a good step for me to be here again. :-)

There are a couple of reasons I haven't blogged for a long time:

Just plain busy. Busy and overwhelmed with work (that's finding some balance now, sorta). Busy trying to have a life. Busy getting some work done around my home. Busy busy busy. Where I sit here at my computer is very comfortable but less so than it used to be and sitting in the pretty much the same position for so long is taking its toll so I NEED to get away from the computer whenever I can. Physical reasons and to pursue that pesky life I've been trying on. (For a while I was considering getting a laptop with a wireless connection so I could move around to other parts of the house and be more comfortable, but one of my reasons for getting one - working from a friend's home now and then - isn't going to happen and after doing the work around my home and other expenses AND now a different focus for future income, I've had to let that idea go.)

Mostly, though, I just didn't feel I had anything to say, for myself or for anyone else. I'm back not because I think my entries are so enthralling - *LOL* - but because I think it's good for ME to do this again.

*waves*

The Gift of Silence

2007-01-17T14:43:00.000-08:00

The pic above was taken from my back porch as the sun went down last Saturday. Not the best quality but it captures how the light reflects off our local volcanic mountain on a clear evening.

Ever since Michael's death in 2005 I've had to surround myself with sound. Silence was impossible and even most music was too difficult so it's been the t.v. on in the background while I work for the last year and a half.

Last Sunday I was finally able to turn the t.v. off and work in silence. It was very nice. More than nice. I know this sounds like a small thing, but it's not. It speaks to the calm and strength I feel inside as I move on with my life. As I explore new music, venture out into the world, laugh more often, allow myself to feel the light again.

"In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer."
~Albert Camus

Consumer Whore

2007-01-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

That's ME!!!

A few months ago I had none of the above. I'd wanted a digital camera for a long time but had done fine without. And what did I need a cell phone for? I work from home and didn't go out much. As a music lover I thought the iPod was very cool but couldn't justify the expense considering that whole always home and no life thing.

Then a couple of months ago things were going well and I found a little Sony camera on sale and went for it. Woohoo!

The gods weren't impressed and suddenly I had things breaking down left and right.... hot water heater, various other things in the home requiring pricey repairs and then my car. Again. On a highway at midnight in the freezing rain. No cell phone. That was a fun walk home. *chuckle*

Everything got fixed including my car and I bought a cheap plan and cell phone. Finally. I'm out and about more these days and it was time. So now I had a digital camera and a cell phone, an embarassment of tech riches. (I got the phone for emergencies only and don't otherwise have it on but just realized there are a lot of places I usually phone that are not long distance with the cell; with my land line just about EVERYthing around me is long distance. So um, I may be getting a bigger plan.)

I looked at my finances and decided I'd really save in 2007 so I can afford a little car by the end of it. Totally doable. My parents had other ideas.

See that red thing everything's sitting on? That's my new car; got it just before Christmas. I like having a little car I can rely on. I like having a NEW car. I like having a car I can play cds in. I REALLY like having a red car. *lol* (My last one was white and it served me well but the colour bored the hell outta me.) Sure can't lose it in a parking lot. (Not that that's ever happened to me. Ahem.)

When I went to sign the papers for the car, the dealership was having a promotional deal for anyone buying a new car..... hence the 4 gig iPod Nano.

That's when I started laughing and haven't really stopped since. It's all too silly, really. Totally unexpected and I'm grateful for it all. I've had many blessings recently and all along, and, most meaningfully, not just of the commercial kind.

I have joined the forces of consumer whoredom. If I'd known how much fun it is, I'd have joined long ago.

Technorati Tags: Sony Cyber-shot, Telus, Samsung cell, Nissan Versa, iPod Nano

Tree go bye-bye

2007-01-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not always this fixated on inanimate objects but I really liked my tree this year. Every year when I put the Christmas decorations away, something will linger and settle in to stay. A figurine here. A jingle bell on a doorknob there. One year, I just know it, the whole dang tree will stay behind. I put some thought into making that happen this year. I didn't want it to stay where it was, but perhaps put away, intact, in a little used room where I could go sit and bask in its warm glow. Is that so wrong?

My younger son said, "You do realize that this just confirms you're psychotic, right, keeping a tree all year round?" I think he meant 'eccentric' but that's probably wishful thinking on my part.

Anyway, it just wasn't feasible so the decorating and the tree are tucked away for another year. Well, except for the pretty vases (not shown here; that's just a pic I like) with sparkly branches. Ahem.

On to other ramblings....

I'm someone who sometimes, but not necessarily, makes and keeps new year resolutions (but I also create and pursue goals/dreams all year long too). This year it's about traveling again and exercising - already begun - at least a little bit every day. If I want to travel, that means a lot of walking will be involved, exploring various new places. I haven't been totally inactive in 2006, but the purposeful exercising got less and less as the pain got worse and worse. This past month the pain has escalated to a ridiculous point. I'm sleeping pretty well, relatively speaking, but the pain is horrible. Makes me wish I took narcotics (I choose not to). Makes me wish a hot bath did the trick (tried that last night with no relief). Makes me wish the man in my life was actually HERE (he's away for the holidays) so I could have sex which is always a good distraction - as is laughter - at least for a while. Even the Rome commentaries (my younger son gave me the first season on dvd) isn't proving distracting enough. (My heart still belongs to Deadwood, another fresh and profane look at historical events, but I'm really enjoying Rome too. Want to see Carnivale one day too. I should just subscribe to HBO and be done with it.)

*grumble* Stoopid pain. Still, I'll take the physical pain, even when it's this bad, even when it hurts just to breathe or wear a bra or sit or lie down or have a shower, over psychological pain ANY day. MUCH easier to handle. And, aside from the pain and fatigue, my life is pretty damn good these days.

Year in Review

2006-12-31T19:15:00.000-08:00

According to Nickie, "What you're supposed to do is take the first line (I just went with sentence), from the first entry of each month. When the subject was part of the first sentence, I copied both of them."

So here goes my shot at this....

January: Well, here I am, FINALLY starting a blog. I finally caved to the pressure. ;-)

February: THE CONTINUING SAGA OF A MIDDLE-AGED SINGLETON

March: You know you're in trouble when........you google 'horoscope' hoping to find some good news for your life out there.

April: Coming up for air

May: Peace... The past weekend was difficult for a few reasons...

June: I guess an explanation is in order

July: Pursuing that half full cup

August: What I learned on my summer vacation... Okay, so I didn't have a summer vacation but....

September: Midnight Meanderings

October: Well, apparently I was absent in October, which explains November's first entry:

November: Where did I go?

December: Wonder of the season.... of the year, actually. After some really dark times and coming to peace with a lot of it, some good things appear to be coming my way.

So there you have it. Not terribly profound. Doesn't provide a lot of insight into my year. What IS clear is that my blogging ritual has really slowed down and I don't see that necessarily changing, but who knows?

What's also clear to me tonight on New Year's Eve (alone yet again, something I'd really dreaded but I'm finding I'm okay... of course the alcohol is probably helping), is how very glad I am that 2006 is OVER. Transitional years may be necessary but they tend to be painful. And I'm very grateful for all those who blessed me with their love and support. I'd not be here without them. And I'm VERY appreciative that the last few weeks have been entirely different in so many areas from the previous 18 months and have offered some pleasant surprises. I'm feeling deliciously spoiled.

I'll never forget you, Michael, and you will always be a part of who I am. I'm letting you go now. Thank you for ALL of it.

Cheers to those of you still reading and here's to a wonderful year of health, laughter, adventure and love in 2007!

Wonder of the season....

2006-12-10T18:19:00.000-08:00

....of the year, actually. After some really dark times and coming to peace with a lot of it, some good things appear to be coming my way.

There is reason to hope that 2007 will be a much better year for me personally than 2006.

I'm sleeping better more consistently. The FM pain is still there but it's been manageable for almost a month as long as I'm careful. There's even real possibility of effective treatment for fibromyalgia in the foreseeable future. My best friend, my sons and new daughter-in-law are along for the ride. After a LOT of negative experiences with online dating sites (from being rejected the moment my pic was available to rudeness - it was unrelenting in its variety - to an acquaintance rape situation last month that entirely undermined me for a while), and finally getting to a place where I was really okay alone and possibly even better off alone for various reasons, someone nice has come into my life. Remember the list? He fits, not just a little bit but very specifically. For now, anyway. It's been a pleasant surprise and it's fun exploring a new friendship, wherever it may lead and however long it lasts. I'm enjoying the kindness I seemed to have seen so little of for too long. I've sorted out some other friendships, let one go, rebuilt another, am considering what to do about a third one.

Last Christmas when I was once again decorating by myself (my younger son couldn't care less about the decorating *chuckle*), missing Michael and missing my older son who was away yet again, with every ornament reminding me of one or the other or both, I decided that this year I would make some changes. So I changed my colour scheme after 26 years of the same, started picking up ornaments back in January with that in mind and am enjoying the change.

I realize now that 2006 has been a year of transition all the way around. From changing my surroundings, becoming more creative, stepping outside my comfort zone in every area of my life, standing up for myself, plunging forward. There have been a lot of growing pains and I'm sure there are more to come, but tonight at least I'm feeling capable of weathering the storms.

And, in the meantime, there are pretty lights to photograph.

That special quiet

2006-11-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

There is magic in the quiet that a snowfall brings. It muffles everything but is not an empty quiet. And you never forget it once you've experienced being out in it, especially at night.

However, there was none of that to be found when I went out for a walk last night at midnight. No one around at all and for good reason. It was bloody cold! (It's -20 C. with the windchill.) There was no quiet because the wind has been relentless. Oh, and because I couldn't stop giggling as I waded, knee deep, out my front door through the drifts. That didn't help the whole quiet thing.

I no longer own clothes appropriate for such weather so my poor sneakers and jeans weren't too happy. But I was. It was a delight. None of the pics I tried last night turned out because the wind was just too bad and the camera (and me) kept shaking.

Today was beautiful, with the wind still fiercely blowing the snow up on the fields on the valley floor.....

And yesterday I still had a standing willow tree:

At some point this afternoon it gave itself up to the wind and keeled over on to the fence. It was a gentle surrender. (These last two pics were taken through the window's glass so there's some reflection there.)

So this is probably the last sunset through the willow I'll get before someone comes to dismantle it. Oh well, at least I'll get my better view back.

Lookee Lookee

2006-11-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh, retail therapy. A little while ago, I finally got myself my first digital camera so I get to play. The rose was a gift from my best friend and was my first pic. Below is what my home was looking like earlier this morning. Since then the snow has continued to pile up (a lot of it in drifts because we get a lot of wind here). Where we live in British Columbia, we don't often get a lot of snow so it's a real treat and soooo pretty.

Faith

2006-11-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

We all need something to believe in, whether it's an all-powerful God or Christ or karma or being part of a greater universe or a trust in the goodness of others or in the 'what goes around, comes around' theory or the butterfly effect or whatever.

My older son and his new bride have great faith in their Christianity. And they practice their faith in their day to day lives, how they treat and help others and each other, how thoughtfully they consider the bible's teachings and various philosophies and theologies, how he has done mission work for extended periods of time in difficult places, and they both plan on doing more around the world.

My son's very black and white faith (yes, I know he's young) and my propensity for always seeing the grey has created some interesting debates between us. Some basic things in which I believe and how I raised him is totally contradicted by his faith. And he very sincerely prays for my soul and wishes I could find the happiness he has found. (We have many earnest and respectful discussions because I want to know and be close to my son and this is his life. One day I may, here, go further into the issues.) It has brought him a hard-won serenity and I am truly happy for him in that.

And I envy him that serenity. Because even though my faith was different than his, I have recently lost mine.

In what do you believe?

Best Friends and Happy Feet

2006-11-17T23:24:00.000-08:00

I've sat here for quite a while, wanting to say something to mark a terrible week, not knowing how to or if I should. I guess what I need to say is it's weeks like this which remind me how blessed I am in having my best friend and for delightful movies like Happy Feet. You can't help but grin while watching Mumble dance to Stevie Wonder's "I Wish" and watching the little kids who filled the theatre react to the music and laughs. I've waited for this movie for a looooooong time and it was the perfect escape.

P.S. I am suddenly struck with the irony of the subject of this blog; 'rebuilding a life', indeed.

More Emily Gilmore

2006-11-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

Played by the superb Kelly Bishop.... (I really wanna do this! Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?)

This is what I'm talkin' about.

Lest we forget

2006-11-10T20:46:00.000-08:00

Remembrance Day is a big deal here in Canada, as it is in Britain and the rest of the Commonwealth, as Veterans Day is in the States.

An American friend of mine always gripes at me that we don't make much of a deal of our Thanksgiving, compared to how it is in the States. Well, we make up for it on Remembrance Day.

For me, it is one of the purest days of recognition, all about remembering and honouring those who serve in war and those who have died in that service, and we take it very seriously.

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

It is because of the above poem, written during the first World War, that we wear red poppies at this time of year. They are on lapels everywhere.

This year, both in Britain and in Canada, there has been a renewed interest in wearing a white poppy, instead of or in additon to the red one. From White Poppies for a Culture of Peace:

"The White Poppy symbolises the belief that there are better ways to resolve conflicts than killing strangers."

It's a movement that began in 1926 and though I hate it when sincere symbols are politicized and believe that's the reason the white poppy has been resurrected now in 2006, I think it's a symbol that makes sense for some. It's about saying "no more young men and women should be killed in the name of war".

The representatives of our armed forced and veterans do not like the white poppy, feeling it dishonours our soldiers. What do you think?

Whether wearing red or white or both, our soldiers are remembered.

To all the Canadians and others in Afghanistan, to all the Americans in Iraq..... may you come home soon and may peace be more than a pipe dream for all the people in the world.

P.S. I remember you, Michael. And I suspect you'd be wearing the white poppy this year.

P.P.S. Happy Birthday, C!

Epiphanies

2006-11-09T16:51:00.000-08:00

The last few months I've had quite a few epiphanies about who I am, patterns in my choices, etc. None of them have been flattering to myself so I know I have a lot of work to do. Not a fun time in my life but I'm hoping all this work will lead to a better place.

But enough of the serious stuff. Yesterday I had a couple more FUN epiphanies:

Why my taciturn friend makes me laugh

I have a friend in my life who drives me bonkers. Sometimes I don't know why I put up with him and his surly ways, nor know why his teasing rarely fails to make me laugh. I finally figured it out! His sense of humor is very like my younger son's who comes across as morose but has an incredibly quick wit. He'll say things to me that I KNOW others would find insulting, but I know where they're coming from and what the intentions are and he makes me laugh. Same with the friend.

On to the second epiphany....

I WANT A SUGAR DADDY!

Or a Sugar Mommy is fine, too.

Really, I do. I caught some of Dr. Phil the other day where the focus was on a 40-yr-old rich doctor who is in a relationship with a poor fresh-out-of-highschool girl. (They even met on an online dating service set up for sugar daddies. Eyes rolling now. There was a whole lot of outrage against the allegedly gold-digging girl. Not enough concern about what SHE was getting herself into. But I digress.)

I'm tired of the financial struggle. So I, too, want someone who will buy me cars and first-class flights and clothes and jewelry and iPods. (In return, I promise great mind-blowing sex on a regular basis. Seems a fair trade.)

Of course, that would mean I'd have to BE a woman who would attract such a person into my life. Nevermind the lobotomy but also plastic surgery, weight loss, fountain of youth, etc.

Is that too much to ask?

Apparently not. I asked my taciturn friend if he would be my sugar daddy. He's promised me that when he wins the lottery, I've got it. What a sweet guy.

Nothing wrong with that.

(I told my older son about this and his eyes lit up and he said "Sure! I want one too!" Don't we all deserve sugar daddies now and then?)

I love Emily Gilmore

2006-11-08T16:19:00.000-08:00

And I love my mother. They are both flawed and funny and sad and cruel and somewhat crazy. That doesn't mean that either one is easy to be around.

For those unenlightened souls, check out this information on Emily Gilmore. She is a character from what has sometimes been one of the best written shows on t.v., The Gilmore Girls, and one of the only reasons to watch the show through the rather dismal last season and the weirdness of this one. I totally get her and her daughter Lorelei's relationship and I adore how she is written. I get the relationship because even though my mother is not from blue-blood society and isn't as smart nor as deliberately cruel, the two of them bear remarkable similarities. I get it because I, too, have tried to handle my mother with humor and have had times when I've had to withdraw completely from her AND I've sometimes overreacted to something seemingly innocuous because it all piles up. And I adore how Emily is written because despite her cruelty, despite her focus on the all-importance of appearance (something my mother shares), she also is played so well and is a 3-dimensional character for whom your heart sometimes breaks. She is genuinely bewildered that her daughter doesn't want all she has to give and teach. She is trying to be the best mother (and grandmother) she can be. And that's all any of us do. So I appreciate the talent that went into this character.

There are differences though. It took me many years (decades really) to realize that my mother is truly ill. I don't think Emily is. My mother contends with paranoia, delusions and conspiracy theories and I often wonder how difficult that must be for her. At the same time it can be difficult to be patient because she can be cruel to those around her. As she ages, this is all becoming more pronounced. (Though I believe age-related dementia may be part of the problem now and I wish I could help her in this regard, all of these issues have been there for decades so they are not the result of age or physical illness.)

I know that, just as Emily loves Lorelei, my mother truly loves me. She just doesn't know how to show it without trying to control every aspect of my life. She loves me the only way she knows how. She gives to me the things she thinks I need and has, at times, been there at times when I did really need her. I cannot share any of her story without emphasizing all of that too.

Unlike Lorelei, I work hard at being kind to my mother (while keeping healthy boundaries). This is partly for her, because I do believe she is sick and therefore deserving of kindness and forgiveness. And it's also for me because I do not want her treatment of me to turn me into someone I am not. I don't want to give her that power.

Currently, my mother is punishing me in various ways, trying different tactics to ensure I feel the punishment. I am again screening my calls so I can talk to her only when I feel strong enough to do so. She has an ability to kick me when I'm down that I need to avoid for my own health. She is punishing me because I do not agree with her about some issues in my life she's decided are important and requiring change AND I won't let her give some things to me. Gifts from her are about what she feels I need, not what I actually need, and there are always strings attached so I decline most of the time. I understand her frustration at not being able to control things as she would like AND that she feels this as a rejection of love but I can't help that. I am and always will be a heavy disappointment to her.

Thank goodness for Emily Gilmore. The laughter provides me with needed perspective on my own mother and on myself.

Where did I go?

2006-11-07T23:50:00.000-08:00

Well, that's a loaded question if ever there was one. On the surface, I can make a list on what's been keeping me busy. Deeper still, I do wonder where I have gone. The woman Michael loved appears to be gone. I can't find her anymore. It's not just his death but, it seems, hit after hit after hit the last year combined with almost nonstop, debilitating pain. I used to be brave. I used to be able to find laughter in anything. Now it's all forced. I feel very beaten down and I know darn well I don't have it any worse than anyone else and I even have it considerably better than most. I carry on, day by day, because there is no alternative and there is the small hope that, eventually, that will move me forward and find new reasons to laugh.

Okay, the above is the main reason I stopped blogging. And I just don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say at all. I feel like a fucking whiner and I really hate that.

Because the truth is, it hasn't been all bad. All of the above is true, BUT it's also true that I have a lovely new daughter-in-law and we're getting along great. I have a great best friend. My sons are in my life. Other friends have been kind in sweet and surprising ways. I have a roof over my head and the means to keep it there. I know all that too.

So, some of the things going on since last I wrote, right after my son's wedding:

Work work work. Lots of it and there's no sign of it letting up. And changes in my job are coming; some of it's exciting, some of it makes me genuinely sad because I think I'll be losing the best (to me) part of my job. Not all bad but I'm tired. I'd go away if I could afford to, if I had someone to go with, and/or I had someplace to go. Eventually, I will start traveling alone but I want to be able to afford to do it as a single person and I'm not there yet.
I am sleeping better more often now. I've even begun to dream after well over a year of no dreams. I think that's a good sign, especially as none of them have been scary (something that can be very common with FM), just pleasant, nonsensical NORMAL dreams. It's not great and I'm still tired but it's significantly better than it was.
Issues with my mother and each of my sons, which I think I'll blog about separately one day. When I'm ready to talk about paranoia, dementia, the need to control, religious fanaticism, and depression.
My 46th birthday was last week. I'd been dreading it for various reasons (not the aging thing; couldn't care less about that) but I reached out to those around me and they came through and I ended up having a really great birthday week that has left me smiling but exhausted. I'll share more about that another day too.
I've had some more dates, off and on. More attention from others. It's been interesting how differently each of my sons handle that. One is absolutely cool with it. One is not (which I find pretty funny sometimes). I'll share more on that another time too.
I created a website with the wedding pics and they turned out really beautiful. They're not the usual formal pics but, instead, really captured who THEY are and their happiness. I wish I could share them here but I've always avoid sharing any info that would infringe on my sons' privacy. We did a thank you tea (yes, I live in a place where we have exquisite tea houses along with all the coffee places) for the ladies who helped with the decorating, etc., and that was nice.
I've been reading and enjoying the new t.v. season. Playing World of Warcraft very little these days because I simply don't have time and/or need to get the hell away from the computer when I can to get a real break. (So what am I doing here? ;-) )

On that note, it's time I went to bed. I hope this entry is the start of some more regular writing here.

Midnight Meanderings

2006-09-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've been a very bad blogger. Lots of reasons, including being just incredibly busy with work, with life, with fighting depression and burn out, but there was more.... it's not about political correctness but some of my opinions on the things that have been uppermost in my mind would possibly hurt some people who read here, people I care about and I didn't need to blog so much that it was a price worth paying. And sometimes it seemed all I needed to say every single day was "please make the (FM) pain stop so I can sleep - or walk" and, well, that's just incredibly boring. All of the above made me pull away from blogging here.

But, anyway, life is normalizing again and I thought I'd look in here and say hello.

Here are the highlights (and some lowlights):

I've had one good week this entire year when the FM hasn't been 'flaring' (can I even call it a 'flare' when the agony is constant?). Despite that, I was making some headway in the sleep department until the last month or so. Hopefully, with things settling, I'll be able to get the sleep under control again, even if I can't do the same with the pain. Problem is, the pain is often what's keeping me awake now.
Work has been incredibly busy and will probably get busier still for at least a few more months. Still enjoy it for the most part, though. Like a lot of the people I work with and the public I deal with every day.
Not wanting to just sit here and whine about being lonely without doing all I could to remedy that so I could at least tell myself I tried, I joined eharmony (encouraged by a friend who had used it) about the time I wrote my last blog entry. I was VERY impressed with how they did things, though I didn't expect any results from it for me for a variety of reasons. Despite myself (among other things, I didn't put a lot of effort into it and wasn't planning to until about now), a connection was made. And he doesn't live on the other side of the world or even the other side of the continent. He lives only about 30 miles away and yes, we've met in person a couple of times (would have been more but we've both been so ridiculously busy it's not been possible). It's been nice having someone who seems genuinely interested in daily contact of one kind or another. He's smart and funny and I'm enjoying it for what it is for now.
Despite the lack of sleep and the pain and some meds that make it difficult, my weight continues to go down. Sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly and I have a long way to go but hey, at least it's going in the right direction.
A good friend of my son's returned home after two tours of duty in Afghanistan. I can't even describe how moving that celebration was. For six of the months he was away, his parents - amazing people in their own right - had their only other child, a daughter, away in Thailand, traveling the country on her own, staying in monasteries and convents, discovering the people and culture. Scary time for them and great happiness to have them home again.
MY SON GOT MARRIED YESTERDAY!!! That's the big one and the best one and the reason for the insanity of the last few weeks. It's all been good and one of the best experiences of my own life. To get to know my new daughter-in-law's friends, her mother's friends who have all gone above and beyond to help make this wedding happen and be beautiful, has been amazing and moving to me. Planning and shopping and functions and celebrations and happiness and beautiful weather for the day itself, FUN reception with lots of dancing (me too - OUCH!), tons of their friends from out of town (Canada, U.S. and Costa Rica). And, over the last few weeks, constantly coming in contact with men and women of all ages who told me example after example of incredibly kind and wonderful things they'd witnessed my son do over the years and continues to do, all the people he has helped. He and his new bride have so many people in their corner, so many who count themselves as family and have their best interest in mind and are wrapping them up in love.... what more could a parent want for her child? I'll share more about it all another time. There are a few more things to get done this week to completely wrap it up and I look forward to some return to normalcy so I can recover from the physical and emotional fallout. But, really, I'm just so very happy for them both.

Okay, that's it for tonight. Hopefully it won't be another month or more before I blog again.

The title of this blog is very apt..... Life After Death. It really does exist, in all its messiness and craziness, its ups and downs and fun and tears. Michael's been in my thoughts a lot lately; he'd be very glad I'm living my life.

What I learned on my summer vacation

2006-08-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I didn't have a summer vacation but I DID learn a few things the last month or two.....

Kitty breaks are good for the soul. (I'd call them pussy breaks but you all might get the wrong idea.;-) I am allergic to cats and all furry (and feathery) critters. With the furry critters, it's not the sniffly red-eye kind of allergies, but a contact allergy to their saliva so them licking me or me touching their fur sets off a skin reaction. But I love dogs and cats. Just can't have 'em 'cause I can't take care of them like they deserve. BUT my younger son lives downstairs in the basement suite and HE has a cat (two were living here for a while but when he and his girlfriend split, she took one). So I get to have the best of both worlds. A cat in the house I can visit without having to take care of her. And I visit her regularly when I am stressed or just need a break, talk to her (and she talks back) and don my special grooming glove and stroke her. She loves it. I love it. We all win.

I have been mourning the loss of my bravery lately. I had it, lost it, couldn't find it, missed it, thought it was gone for good. In talking with a friend today I was reminded of one of my favorite quotes that got me through some really tough leaps of faith and maybe, just maybe, I'm remembering again how to be brave.
"Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now."
~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Friendships are valid even if they're not of the same depth and scope as what I have, for example, with my best friend. And friends of both genders can disappoint and still remain friends. And co-workers can make great friends. And I'm lucky to have 'em all.

World of Warcraft has been a mixed blessing.

Loneliness never stops sucking.

Laughter never stops being healing.

One really CAN lose weight just by eating consciously and watching one's portions. Who knew? ;-)

Sleep meds that actually work also can cause depression. Yay. So much for those ones.

We don't heal from grief and move on because we're strong or brave or whatever. We heal because living in the pain hurts too much. But, at least we DO heal.

Just because I sometimes make bad choices doesn't mean *I* am 'bad'.

I still have a lot of growing up to do.

When it comes to family, boundaries must always be maintained or there will be trouble.

I am blessed with my sons. But I knew that already. :-)

Air conditioning rules!

Returning friends

2006-07-30T22:33:00.000-07:00

My best friend returns home Monday after a month away. I expect her trip to Europe wasn't long enough for her (from the contact we had, it sounds like she's had a fabulous time) but it was plenty long enough for ME.

(We've been best friends for 29 years and I miss her when she's not around. I'm very lucky to have her in my life. And I'm glad she managed to get online in brief moments throughout the trip to touch base. I look forward to the stories and gazillion pics she'll have to share.)

Another friend I've missed will be back in touch this coming week.

Co-workers are returning from various vacations and conferences and I'm hoping things will settle a bit at work.

I'm feeling worn out, between work and some personal stuff, and I'm hoping this will be an easier week all the way around.

*yawn* Nighty-night all! Don't mind the snorin'. Zzzzzzzzzzzz......

With thanks to Willis Haviland Carrier

2006-07-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

If he were still alive and still capable I'd want to have his baby.

HE is the inventor of air conditioning. Thanks to my two sons and an assist from my ex-husband, I finally have a couple of a/c units (units I'd bought on sale at a ridiculously low price a while ago, something I was kicking myself for doing as they sat there in their boxes for too long, reminding me of the stupidity of purchasing things on the spur of the moment) installed in two key places in my home so I now work and sleep in blissful coolness. What the hell took me so long???!!!

Okay, so I could never before justify the even minimal cost of these units because, living in the northwest, there are often only a couple of weeks a year which are unbearable. But that's been changing the last few years. And this year, after a long cold spring, the blasting heat hit earlier than usual and enough was enough.

So now I spend time smugly gloating to others about my new coolness.

Thank you, Mr. Carrier!

(You just KNOW the units are gonna conk out soon now, right? I think I just jinxed 'em.)

Attitude is everything

2006-07-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

After another tough week I'm back to my old motto. It's how I've handled FM and other things in my life, because it really is all about attitude. My life is pretty damn good compared to that of so many others in the world and I'm sorry I lost that perspective for a while.

Nothing much to report..... my best friend and her family continue to have a fabulous time in Europe. Some simple kindness from a couple of friends touched my heart. I've spent a fair amount of time with both my sons this week. Sleep remains elusive but, thankfully, not entirely out of reach, and pain is constant. I'm ignoring those who would choose to pull me down. And I'm heading to Seattle for a day at the zoo with friends, in a heat wave with no a/c in my car, but I know it'll be a good day anyway.

Oh, and I snagged my son's digital camera for the day. *grin*

Some more sobering news....

Three months to the day my grandmother died, my uncle has died. (My mother's mother and her younger brother.) His death was a long and painful one and this is a blessing for him. Even though my uncle and my mother no longer got along, this is still a more difficult loss for her as they were once very close. So she's mourning the loss of who he once was, what they once had and it's a difficult time for her, a difficult year. And I'm trying to be there for her.

The example set for me by my parents and their families keeps me on my toes in always endeavoring to break away from their dysfunction. Times like these foster self-examination and I wonder and doubt how successful I've been.

Oops. Better not go down that road.

I'm glad we all have a happy wedding to look forward to this year, something positive in all our lives. :-)

And, if I'm really lucky, I'll get to see some penguins tomorrow.

Coming up for air

2006-07-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Two nights of reasonable sleep can really clear out the cobwebs. I can actually think clearly today.

The new sleep med was a bust. Made things worse, not better. As a result, the last week especially was horrible. Not surprisingly, the FM pain worsened even more and so it became hard to tell what was keeping me awake at night - the sleep disorder or the pain. I'd fall into exhausted sleep now and then for half an hour only to be awakened by the pain. I'd be crying or moaning and whimpering (and not the fun kind of moaning or whimpering, darn) as I came awake. Fun way to start my days and made me ill-equipped to handle some other curveballs in my life so they sent me reeling.

SO, am trying a new approach, a combination of a few different things so as not to rely on just one. Two nights of decent sleep is two more nights than I've had in a very long time. I know it's ridiculously obvious, but it always amazes me what a difference that can make in one's perspective. And while the pain is still bad, I can at least handle it when I've had some sleep.

All that has meant I've managed to get a lot accomplished the last couple of days, beyond work (which has been bussssssy for weeks and will continue to be). Bills paid, chores getting done, found a dress to wear to my son's wedding which is a miracle in and of itself. (I generally hate clothes shopping for many reasons - okay, unless it's lingerie.) First store, only thing I tried on that seemed right and voila. On sale, too. Waaaaaay more than enough money left over to spend a few dollars and order a couple of books a friend (thanks Denise!) recommended as a gift to myself. As frugal as I am and need to be, it's been a long time since I bought a book for myself so this was a treat. Now I just have to get shoes and clutch purse (I have nothing that matches). Not sure what I'll do about jewelry as some of my favorite pieces have gone missing the last few months but oh well.

I think I'm finally at a place of acceptance re Michael's death. His birthdate was this past week and it was okay, and I thought only of how his sons and his parents might be handling it. I can look at pics, listen to music, read letters, watch some of shared favorite movies without falling apart. And smile at the memories and be grateful.

In the midst of writing this my best friend came on messenger from Europe to say hello. She's having a FABULOUS time. Latest highlight (after Paris, Salzburg, Vienna): turns out she's a natural at kayaking. A relative of hers is an Olympic-caliber kayaker and showed her the ropes so there she was, kayaking on the Danube, making good time. How cool is that?

Anyway, here's hoping I'm on a roll and sleep again tonight. If this keeps up I may even find the energy and focus to get back to the home-movies-transferred-to-dvd project I began months ago and never got back to. Maybe.

Next weekend, I am heading to Seattle for the day to meet some friends who will be in town from Illinois. (She's a long-time friend of Michael's and we're the only ones in each other's lives we can talk to who knew and miss him.) Her family and I are going to go to the zoo! (I love a good zoo and it's been many many years since I've been. I've been fortunate enough to have witnessed or experienced some magical moments with animals over the years, in the wild usually but sometimes at a zoo.)

Well, back to chores and some dawdling in WoW.

P.S. I knew the day would come sooner or later.... my son took his digital camera back (how dare he!) so I'm now camera-less once again. So pics may be few and far between for a while unless I manage to steal it back from him. ;-)

A good omen?

2006-07-08T23:01:00.000-07:00

When we arrived at the river park for the engagement 'party'/get-together, look who was there waiting for us?

All these months I've been going to the blue heron refuge not too far from here to catch sight of them but never got this close.

Later he flew off, flying low over the river, looking lovely.

The party was a success, I think. Relaxing and warm, lots of joking as we all got to know each other, celebrating the uniting of two wonderful people and two families.

It was a peaceful setting on a warm night, a little oasis in the chaos still to come as we prepare for a wedding less than three months away.

Bravery....

2006-07-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

.....is a rare commodity out there. (With kindness running a close second.) Wish it wasn't.

And I've realized it's easier to be brave when you're not alone. Difficult to face the physical pain with dignity and grace when there's no one around to witness you're not whimpering in the corner.

For me at least, physical pain sometimes leads to emotional vulnerability. Thanks to some people in my life, feeling a bit like a dog being kicked while she's down.

So, fighting my way back yet again, reminding myself of the plentiful good things in my life once again:

Back to warm sunshine after a bit of cool rain to make everything shiny again.
Small casual engagement party tonight for my son and his bride-to-be. We're having it outside in a park by a river and it should be lovely. Everything's all set for it. And I'll have a full day tomorrow to recuperate before going back to work.
Finding the strength to do the right thing this time. Maybe now I can start forgiving myself. Maybe.
My future daughter-in-law found her dress! First shopping outing, first shop, second dress (I think). Called me up on Monday and said I HAD to come and see, so I met her and her mother, sister and friend at the bridal shop for a quick look. (They'd invited me along earlier, but Monday was a busy day, covering for others at work.) It was soooooo nice for them to include me. She, of course, looked beautiful. And very very happy.
My best friend and her family will have seen the sites of Paris and should be in Austria now. Miss her LOTS but smile whenever I think of them there.
My sons.

Redemption Sucks

2006-07-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Doing the right thing..... sucks.

I'm just sayin'.

Pursuing that half full cup

2006-07-02T16:19:00.000-07:00

Note re the previous meltdown.... any acting out I do doesn't include any mind-altering substances, drugs or otherwise. I never did drugs and rarely drink and if I drink it's not much. Hell, even when I WANT to get drunk I end up reacting so badly due to allergies or FM that I only manage a glass or two before giving up. *laugh*

Alllllllrighty then.

The thwap upside the head I gave myself seemed to have done the trick; I'm doing better.

So I thought I'd share some good things in my life as a reminder to myself that they're there; that they're always there, even on the darkest days.

My sons. Procrastinators? Yes. But still really great young men, both with kind hearts and great senses of humor.
Music. Yup, got it back in my life. Been listening to it constantly since yesterday evening. So far, to name just a few..... The Prayer Cycle album, Led Zeppelin, Norah Jones, Alicia Keyes, Nirvana, Paul Simon, some zydeco, Tracy Chapman, Eurythmics.
Sunny days with a nice breeze.
Good day yesterday with a friend checking out another beautiful area she's moving to. Country roads, gorgeous scenery and time with her.
My best friend and her family are leaving for a 4-week trip to Europe today. That sounds like it shouldn't be on this list because I am gonna miss her a lot, BUT I'm so dang happy for her and her family. It's taken years of saving, months and months of planning during a VERY stressful time for her. And it's all going to pay off. (She originally comes from Europe and has had opportunity to return now and then over the years, but this is a first time for her husband and their two teenaged kids. It's going to be fabulous and I can't wait to hear all about it.)
Friends, new and old, coworkers and otherwise. I'm very blessed.
There's a CHANCE that my sleep issues will improve. After half a year of no regular sleep meds for the sleep disorder that is part of FM, I finally gave in and we're trying a new med. I could handle the physical exhaustion but didn't like how emotionally vulnerable that exhaustion made me. So maybe this is a turning point. I'm experiencing some unpleasant side effects but will perservere for a couple of weeks hoping they'll go away and I'll start sleeping better. (Right now a GOOD night's sleep without additional help which I rarely resort to is 4 hours - usually in two separate two-hour stints - of sleep. If I could get to the point of having that on a regular basis, I'll be happy.)
My older son's fiance and her mother have invited me to go along with them when they go wedding dress shopping. I was VERY touched that they would include me in something that traditionally is a mother/daughter thing, and I tried to decline believing the gesture was enough, but nope, they seem to really want me. Not having any daughters of my own this may be my only chance and should be a good bonding experience for all.
Engagement party coming up this Friday. Casual, small, outside by a river and under trees. Lots to do for it but it should be fun.
I've got a nice home in a nice neighborhood and a job I love which allows me to keep that home (keeping it was a real struggle for many years).
I've come in to a small inheritance which has been specified to be used against my mortgage which is being renewed later this month. With interest rates going up and my income continuing to go down, this is good.
My son and his fiance finally have an official date: September 23rd! Woohoo!
The second season of Deadwood on dvd. I'm a sick girl for liking this show so much though the 2nd season isn't living up to the 1st so far.

Long list, huh? I'll keep reminding myself.

Okay, now that I've got THAT out of my system.....

2006-06-30T22:08:00.000-07:00

Here's some pics I took today of my house and views from here. It was a pretty day.

We have a corner lot. In the spring the red-leaved trees (they're flowering plum trees) along the side all bloom with strong pink blossoms. Weeks later the flowering cherry tree at the front blooms lighter pink, along with all the others in the subdivision. May can be a magical month because of this and the roads and yards become covered in the petals.

Closer view of our front door:

View from our street of Mt. Baker (I love having fields in the valley below us; they are ever-changing and very calming):

Finally, a view of Mt. Baker from my back porch:

Roller coasters

2006-06-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

I LOVE roller coasters.

I love the new ones that take you from 0-60 (or faster) in two seconds. I love the loops. I love the speed.

I especially love wooden roller coasters. I love it that they're starting to build NEW wooden roller coasters for we wooden rollercoaster afficiandos. Love the rougher ride. Love the anticipation of that first big drop.

But I hate hate HATE this emotional roller coaster I've been on.

At work I'm okay. Better than okay, I think. Getting lots accomplished as it's been super busy. I'm okay with my sons, thank goodness.

Beyond that, lots happening lately, little I've written about for a variety of reasons. I'm a mess. Emotions all over the damn map. Not handling it well. Acting out in ways I haven't pursued for a very long time (got a rein on that now I think). It's been a couple of scary and stupid weeks.

So, I just wanna say:

SwampHag, GROW THE FUCK UP!

Get over yourself and find your damn balance and get the hell off the ride!

It's time to behave like a grownup.

A year this coming week

2006-06-23T20:34:00.000-07:00

Looking at pictures I shouldn't.

Listening to 'our' music for the first time since you died.

Oh my god.

Can't.

Bent double in unbelievable pain still.

Ridiculous amount of tears.

All the rest feels as pretense.

I've learned to build walls and distract.

How to cry easily and then move on with the day.

Haven't learned to listen to music again.

Hollow.

Nothing real except my sons.

Left behind.

I know there's no 'why'

but I want to ask for the why.

Though I know I don't deserve to know.

So.

Why?

Always alone. Again. Still.

Je t'aimais, je t'aime et je t'aimerais.

Toujours.

I guess an explanation is in order

2006-06-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

My life's been busy lately, what with one thing or another. And I guess that IS what it is... a LIFE. Spending time with friends, with my sons, with family. Sharing favorite anime and dvd series with each other. Going out for walks. Having fun. Exercising. Keeping busy with work. Getting some work done around my house.

Life goes on.

I let my subscription to an online dating service run out. I'm just not in that place yet and I'm fine with that. If and when I am ready and no one is in my life, I wouldn't hesitate to try such services again. In the meantime, I have a couple of men in my life with whom I can talk and laugh and that's nice.

I got back in touch with an old friend and it's good to have her back in my life on a regular basis again.

My older son and his fiance may be getting married early September. Short notice, I know, especially considering they haven't actually nailed down a date yet. If they don't do it then, they won't get a chance until next summer. They want a wedding complete with all their friends and family which means a fairly big celebration. (For a while they were thinking December but her college schedule really makes that almost impossible.) So that's been interesting and fun to help to figure out. The good news is they both are very clear in their own minds that it's the marriage that matters, not the wedding itself. They'll be fine though I expect we'll all be a bit breathless by the time this is over. *laugh*

My unwind time at the end of the night, when I usually would blog, has been taken up by something new. I finally succumbed to my younger son's and a friend's pleading to try World of Warcraft. I'd put it off for a verrrrrry long time for various reasons, not the least of which I wasn't ready to be in another online RPG since a different one was one of the many things Michael and I shared and I couldn't face his absence. It's okay now though. And I'm having fun picking flowers and killing monsters. *grin* Though I have friends in the game I tend to play more by myself, dawdling along late at night at my own pace, taking forever to level up. The game is rich enough to allow for any kind of gamer. (Thanks to the friend who, quite a while ago, gave me the game. Were it not for her I probably wouldn't have tried it at all.)

And I'm very very aware that it's nearing a year since Michael died. Not sure how I'll be that day. But that's another entry for another day.

So, anyway, if you don't see me here too often anymore, it's because I'm out living my life..... okay, or playing WoW, but that's almost the same thing, right? ;-)

Thanks to all who encouraged me to do this. For professional and personal reasons, it's been a valuable experience for me.

For her

2006-05-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

This is worth a second entry on the same night.

My older son (soon to be 24) and his girlfriend have been together for many years. They broke up for about a year a while back and I will admit to some reservations when they got back together again. But things were different this time. She was always a nice girl but now I am very sure that she shares his faith and love as profoundly as he feels them.

She's been coming over with him more often lately, allowing us to get to know each other on a deeper level. We've had fun and some reeeeeeeally good talks and she's opened up. Last Thursday she shared herself with me in a way she never had before, with tears, with joy, and I was very touched.

I just got a phone call and my son finally (I say 'finally' because he's been wanting to do this for a while now but the timing was never right) asked her to marry him tonight and she said YES! Poor girl got put on the phone with me while she was still in shock..... but a very happy, giddy shock.

I am delighted and VERY happy for both of them.

Do I still think they're young? Hell, yes. But I've known for a long time that they wanted to journey this life together and their love has gone through more bumps in the road than most and they have grown stronger in themselves and in their love for each other.

So, right now, I'm just plain happy for them.

Life goes on in wonderful ways.

Missing you

2006-05-27T14:23:00.000-07:00

Still. Again. Always.

I remind myself that I miss so much because I had so much in the first place and for that I'm blessed.

Don't feel blessed today though. Feel lost and lonely and missing YOU and all you were. I am disheartened by how little it takes to unbalance me.

I'm sure it will pass.

My thoughts dwell on those in Indonesia, facing yet another monumental disaster. I am humbled that anyone can stay standing after all they deal with. And reminded how fortunate I am.

I pray for them all.

The afterglow continues

2006-05-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

I'm back to work today and it's busy but that's okay.

This last week has been amazing for me, blessed with good weather, great fun and bonding with my sons and their girlfriends, quality time with friends, communing with nature. Not a lot of rest but plenty of fresh air.

Since the last blog entry I went for a walk by the river with my mother, spent time playing an online game and watching Firefly and Serenity with everyone and ended my vacation with a great day on Saturday.

I drove out to a beautiful lake resort area, went for a walk along the beach and voted at the sandcastle contest. On to the blue heron refuge which was soooooo exceedingly peaceful with the sound of birds and nothing else. Saw herons but too far in the distance to get a decent pic, hence the flower pic taken there instead.

Back home to meet up with my older son and his girlfriend and then my best friend. The four of us went out for Indian food (I'm normally a very unadventurous and boring eater but have become more and more willing the last few years to try different things and it's become part of the fun), talked long into the night with my best friend. It was wonderful.

I think I've laughed more in the past week than I have in a year and that feels reeeeeeally good.

Before this vacation I feared that I wouldn't feel like I'd gotten a true break without going away for the BIG vacation like I'd been used to doing the last few years. That's not how it turned out at all.

My sons and I, already close, are closer than ever. We found new things in each other that we truly liked and respected. It's always good to be with my friends. I rediscovered how important getting out into nature is for my well-being. I stuck with doing NO housework except basic dishwashing and laundry, etc., even though there's plenty I could have done. I didn't watch any news. Didn't look at my work except for work email once at the end of the week so I wouldn't be overly swamped today. It was as good as getting away.

My heart is full.

Two Simple Wonders

2006-05-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

Went walking with a friend around a very peaceful lake yesterday, talking, enjoying the trees and breeze.

Here's one simple wonder:

And here's another: I'm happy. :-)

Playing Tourist

2006-05-15T20:26:00.000-07:00

Repeat lesson learned: It doesn't matter what happens (eg. flu or car breaking down), when you're in the right frame of mind to enjoy yourself, you enjoy yourself.

I didn't realize it the last couple of weeks of work but I was fighting a bad flu. No wonder the migraine and FM pain kept escalating with no relief. The first day of my 'vacation', last Friday, was discouraging because I thought "dang! finally take a week off and I'm too sick to enjoy it". But I think that was its last dramatic hurrah and, armed with some meds to treat the symptoms, things began improving after that. A bit of vertigo, nausea and stomach pain linger but it's on its last legs now.

And it didn't really matter.

Saturday I relaxed and though I *could* have done some chores and home projects I decided I wouldn't do a single one of them this week. So I watched some dvds and played an online game for a while with a new friend.

Sunday was gliding and time (and more gaming) with my sons.

Today/Monday we went into North Vancouver. The weather got close to 30 degrees celcius and the city was beautiful. Went to places we hadn't been to since my sons were young. Including Capilano Suspension Bridge with its Treetops Adventure. What's really fun is being surrounded by people from all over the world, hearing different accents and languages. Watching their reactions to the cathedral-like trees. It's not new to us, living where we do, but it's still pretty damn nice. And I'd forgotten how much that bridge reeeeeeally sways, especially in the middle.

From there we went to Lonsdale Quay to explore the shops and foods, and eat lunch looking across the water at Vancouver. Verrrry relaxing, something we all needed, especially my older son who has been dealing with one frantic pressure after another for months now.

Lots of talking, about our lives, philosophies, debating ideas, and PLENTY of teasing along the way.

Next, the seabus to Canada Place (the building with the sails); check out the webcam (scroll down - it's not streaming video, just a series of pics but pretty nice). And watched Deep Sea 3D at the IMAX theatre there. I'd forgotten how much fun 3D can be if done well. And my older son remembered his/our first IMAX 3D experience when he wasn't even 4-yrs-old yet and reaching out to touch the teddy bear that was hovering right in front of him.

Home again to pick up my car (all fixed again, I hope - starter went on it AGAIN on Sunday when we were out and about after the gliding) and crash. I ain't the only one wiped out from all the walking and the heat. And I don't think I'm the only one who had a really good time.

Tomorrow I rest and recover (I hope) and game.

Wednesday back to nature walking with a friend, Thursday the same with my mother. Friday I rest. Saturday my best friend and I will get together and she'll stay the night. We have some plans but they are dependent on the weather (it may be cooler and rainier by the weekend).

And Sunday back to work. Oops! Did I just say that? Shhhhh.

Well, it only took me a couple of decades....

2006-05-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

....but I finally fulfilled a dream and went gliding/soaring (where you're in a plane with no engine, pulled up by a tow plane and released to ride the air currents for a while before coming in for a landing.

The experience surpassed my high expectations. The people, from all over the world, were great, the day was lovely, my sons were there with me to witness it, and it all took place about 40 minutes away from where I live which means I was surrounded by stunning beauty.

Most of the time I was grinning like a fool. Some of the time I choked up. The last time I was in a small plane above glacier mountains was with Michael on Vancouver Island. Being from Australia, the kind of mountains we have were pretty new for him and I still remember his profound delight and breathlessness and sharing that wonderful experience with him.

I would have loved to have shared this experience with him. And he would have loved it that I finally did this, and that I was happy.

I haven't played much with the pics, but here's a taste.

That's my plane (I would eventually be siting in the front, pilot behind, glass canopy above and around, little window letting air in, wearing a parachute).

One of the views (pics are taken through the canopy so they're not as clear as I'd like), showing the unending mountains rolling off into the distance:

To give another idea of how beautiful it is, this is a shot we just took from the road:

So, um, now I'm looking at taking lessons. I liked the energy of the people there and flying was as wonderful as I remember from my ultralight flying over two decades ago. Not sure I can afford it this year but, despite being someone to whom patience doesn't come naturally, I can be a patient woman if necessary and if I don't do it this year, I'll do it next year. But even if I don't ever get to that point due to unforeseen circumstances, I'll have had this day and that's enough too.

Beyond that, ice cream cones from a local dairy farm on the way home, time spent talking and gaming and cooking together with my sons. Very very nice Mother's Day.

Tomorrow we play tourist in Vancouver. :-)

Mother's Day

2006-05-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Thoughts going in all directions this Mother's Day.

Thinking of a friend who's just lost her best/oldest friend who is a mother. Thinking of that friend's daughter and wondering how she'll get through this Mother's Day.

Thinking of Michael's mother.... a fragile but fiesty woman in her 80s who is facing this Mother's Day without her adored and adoring son. How they used to tease each other.

Thinking of my (ex) Mother-in-Law, the woman who really taught me how to love family unconditionally and who is no longer with us.

Thinking of my grandmother (who just died), my mother and myself. Dysfunction and secrets and cowardice and negativity handed down through the generations. My mother still lives with the ramifications. I work at leaving them behind while holding on to the positives that are also there. I'm grateful that my mother is still here, grateful for all the love she gave me. I never forget those and I strive to never miss an opportunity to be kind to her, while keeping healthy boundaries (and a sense of humor).

Given the above, I never expected my own sons to actually enjoy my company once they were grown. I wasn't worried about it, just thought it was a given. So I continue to be pleasantly and gratefully surprised that, while they each have very full lives of their own, complete with work, travel, friends, girlfriends, etc., they still seek me out. And we always have a lot of FUN just being together. (At least I think they do.;-)

I'm on vacation this coming week, taking time to play tourist in my area with different people.

So this Mother's Day and the day after I'll be with my sons, doing various things around town and I'll report on those after they're done.

In case you haven't guessed yet..... for now, from the perspective of loss and with my mother and sons in my life, the feeling that fills me is gratitude.

I'm a lucky woman this Mother's Day.

Sam

2006-05-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Denise and others who have been doing the "whatisthisdoinginmyhousemondays" for a while now, I'm joining in on it this week.

This is Sam.

I was reminded about Sam when a friend made an agreement with her dieing friend that a certain kind of memento would come her way to let the surviving friend know the dead friend was okay. I was upset I'd made no such agreement with Michael. (I know, the things we beat ourselves up for are pretty dumb sometimes.) Then I remembered Sam.

A few mornings after Michael died I opened up my front door to find this ceramic turtle, about 5/6 inches in height, sitting there looking up at me with a goofy grin. He didn't belong there and I'd never seen him before in my life.

Now, I expect what REALLY happened is someone was out for their morning walk, found the turtle on the road near my lawn and assumed it must belong to me and decided to be neighborly and set him on my front porch. (I live in a neighborhood where that could happen.)

But what I chose to believe because I couldn't figure out for sure how he got there was that he was meant to be there and maybe, just maybe, it was a gift from the beyond in my time of need.

So why a turtle? Not a clue really. Had it been a frog it would have made sense. I like frogs and Michael and I had a LOT of inside jokes about frogs starting from the beginning of our relationship and carried through the years. There were frog songs, frog stuffed animals and tokens, frog mouse for the computer, all gifts from him as part of the ongoing joke.

But this was a turtle.

Okay. Next came the search for the meanings of turtles and there's a lot out there but no consensus. Could mean healing and balance and courage or a gazillion other things. Of course there's the whole 'slow and steady wins the race' thing reinforcing the one-day-at-a-time philosophy. Hmmm.

Then I saw a repeat episode of the Gilmore Girls, a show we both loved. There's one scene in the 2nd or 3rd season where Emily decides to send some workmen to Lorelei's house and tells them the key is under the turtle at the front door. Workmen couldn't find the dang turtle. That's because it's a frog on the front porch, not a turtle. Aha! Could Michael have made the same mistake and sent me a turtle when he meant to send a frog? *LOL*

Whatever the explanation, I just like the look of him. And I named him Sam because it's a friendly, not-to-bright name (sorry to all the Sams out there) that seems to fit. And he made me smile when there was so much darkness.

I left him on the front porch for a while in case a neighbor missed him from their yard and reclaimed him. He eventually was brought in to the front entrance and then into my office when we redecorated/painted in the entrance. Now he has migrated to the closest end of my fireplace mantle in my family room, right above where I sit here at my computer.

And he still makes me smile. At his grin and at how our minds will work when reaching for comfort in life's little surprises.

One day I'll get smart.....

2006-05-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

.....and blog in the mornings. That's when I feel SOME energy at least. When ideas are coming fast and furious.

By the end of the day/night I'm brain dead. *chuckle*

But I'm too busy at the start of my day. So, for now, I'm stuck (you're stuck) with brain-dead-blogging.

I continue to exercise every morning and some afternoons. This morning I made it through the easy level of a 23-minute workout and stayed active through the afternoon. Was fine during the morning exercises. Hurting like hell now. Feel like I've been hit by a truck and the flu at the same time. But breathing was fine and any rise in body heat is no longer triggering the lovely hives/severe itching that accompanied any exercising the last few years. Getting off that last FM med really has done the trick.

I'm also working on changing my sleep schedule. I never was a night owl until Michael and it no longer really serves me to stay up late, get up late. And that's starting to work as I get up a bit earlier each week and am getting some sleep some nights.

That's the physical self-care. Restarted a gratitude/prayer/goal journal for the rest of me.

Step by step.

Can I just say.....

2006-05-02T00:13:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for David Letterman and Tom Hanks? Aside from my own self-absorbed stuff, I've been thinking so much lately about all that's going on in Africa and it feels very good just to laugh at some silliness.

Sometimes it's worth staying up late. ;-)

I'm okay.

And I better get to bed before I ramble any further.

Bon nuit!

Peace

2006-05-01T23:44:00.000-07:00

The past weekend was difficult for a few reasons, including my grandmother dieing on Friday at the age of 92. I was not close to her and I know this is what she wanted and everyone should die in their sleep after a long life of relative good health but I'm sorry she died alone. (She had visitors often but died in the few short hours in between visits.) I have real issues with the idea of those I love dieing alone. (It's one of the reasons Touching the Void is one of my favorite films, because it addresses that more eloquently than I ever could.) It seems that everyone I have lost has died alone, many suddenly with no opportunity to say goodbye. When I have had the opportunity to say all I needed to say, it's been much much much easier.

My grandmother was not a happy woman and I hope she is finally at peace now. Everyone deserves that. And I hope my mother can start to heal from some of her own pain but I have reasons to doubt that and I'm sorry for that too. I'm supporting my mother, talking with her often, and offered to go with her to the funeral in Ontario but she's chosen not to go for a few reasons including some health issues.

My grandmother's death, supporting a friend who is facing a devastating loss, and some other things going on triggered a lot of issues for me for me regarding my family and regarding Michael. I'm tired of being sad. It's always there, just sometimes it's safely behind walls that are more solid than at other times.

But I'm sorting it out and will regain my balance again. I always do.

Open Windows

2006-04-25T21:41:00.000-07:00

You know that saying that goes something like this, "for every door that closes, a window opens"?

Well, this entry isn't about THAT kind of open windows. Nothing so profound.

It's about finally finally finally getting some warm, sunny weather here and wearing short-sleeved shirts and working with windows open. It's delicious!

We Canucks on the west coast usually get incredibly smug around February each year as our weather starts warming up while the weather 'back east' (which technically means anything east of the Rockies but REALLY means Ontario) remains brutally cold and blizzardy. It's the one time of year we can say 'hey, you may have the numbers and power but WE'VE got the beauty with crocuses starting to show themselves and don't you wish you could live here in Lotus Land?' and collectively thumb our hay-fevered noses at the Ontarians. We send pictures via our media too. Ahhhhh. Good times.

Not this year. This year we missed our precious crowing time. It's been colder than usual for longer than usual. Skiiers and snowboarders have been ecstatic. The rest of us have been waiting rather impatiently to soak up some rays. Okay, it's been PRETTY, but not that warm. Until now. We'll be back to rain by the end of the week but it sure has been a nice promise of days to come. (And don't worry, come August, I'm sure I'll be complaining about the heat.)

Otherwise, aside from pain and not sleeping, I've been doing okay. New hair cut and highlights. New glasses/contacs. (I can now see distances AND close up with the progressive lenses. No longer do I have to peer over or under my glasses to read the small print and hear my sons say "MOM! Stop doing that! It makes you look old!" Okay, I have to admit I did that more than needed if they were around just to drive 'em crazy.) Exercise is now up to 12 minutes twice a day so I'm getting there.

Now if I could only find a way to use the sunshine to warm the aching souls of a couple of friends who are struggling right now.

Until next time.....

Ow! Ow! Ow!

2006-04-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

I've managed to lose a bit of weight the last few months through conscious, healthy eating choices. And I've been active just in my daily life. But I haven't been doing any real exercising for a while.

No one would know to look at me, but I like exercising. I get almost immediate benefits from it in terms of mood and ease of stress and, if I'm wise in how I exercise, it helps the FM pain in the long run. (And that's definitely needed.... it's gotten to the point again when my soft, light comforter's weight is resulting in too much pain at night.) I like being more physically flexible and just generally feeling better about myself. That doesn't even take into account any eventual weight loss or health benefits.

But I stopped many months ago, even before Michael died, largely because of pain. (I remember discussing it with him as I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep up with our usual pace for the next planned vacation together.) I enjoy walking but after a while it can start hurting more and more, not less and less. I like aerobics but can experience the same thing. I can't do the water work other FM folks do due to skin problems and an allergy to chlorine (okay, and shyness about being in public in my bathing suit). I gave up bike riding and other pursuits years ago. I have to continuously change what I do to keep ahead of the pain and I guess I just lost the energy to do that for a while.

But I restarted again today, starting with some stretching and the beginnings of light aerobics. It feels reeeeeeeally good to feel motivated again and I will continue. I managed over seven minutes today (that's how you have to start; it's always a fine balance, doing enough and pushing yourself a bit but not overdoing so you're in so much pain you can't repeat it the next day) and will keep increasing it over the weeks and months to come, while remaining otherwise active as I move around the house, run errands, do chores, etc. I know from years of experience that I will eventually get to 40 minutes of hard aerobics and then hard strengthening exercises plus some walking hopefully and I'm patient.

But ow! those seven minutes hurt!

Life goes on

2006-04-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

Nothing extraordinary happening, just busy with living. Still sad sometimes but not giving in to it.

My younger son's (he boards here, living downstairs with another tenant, a friend of his) girlfriend is finally moving out from her home into her own apartment. I'm very happy for her (she does not have the ideal home situation, she lived a while here and then she and my younger son shared a home for a while before finances sent them back to their respective homes). This will mean my younger son may actually be away from home some weekends. Nice for him, nice for me. We are VERY good at living our own lives, giving each other space and privacy and he's a great tenant, but it'll be good to have that little bit more privacy for each of us.

My tenant will be moving out this August. I let him know it's time for him to move on too. Right now I feel like I'm enabling him not really growing up. He's my younger son's best friend and has been, for the most part, a good tenant and part of the family.

Last week my car broke down, got it towed and fixed. Nice to be in a financial situation where that kind of unexpected mishap doesn't panic me anymore. There were quite a few years there when even an extra $5.00 was out of the question.

My best friend spent Thursday evening here, watching Survivor and talking and debating and having fun. It's never NOT fun with her, even when we both have bigger and sadder issues going on in our lives.

My older son is just finishing fixing his own house up as new tenants move in upstairs (he'll be living in the basement suite). His life has been a rather chaotic but exciting whirlwind for years now, the chaos leading to some financial setbacks but he's landing on his feet again (nothing defeats him). He hasn't had a chance to ask his girlfriend to marry him yet but soon..... she's got some university exams happening for the next week or two so perhaps after that. He wants to get married this year still and I think he's being a bit optimistic considering she wants a beach wedding here in B.C. which means it would have to be done before it gets too cold and wet, but if anyone can manage it, he can. He also wants to return to university while keeping his business running (exterior painting business that my younger son manages) AND, somewhere in there, thinks he'll find the money and the time to go on a mini-vacation with me (his idea, not mine).

It's pretty gratifying to know both my grown sons have full lives with friends and girlfriends and work and play but still actually enjoy spending time with me.

Speaking of which, we had a really good Easter. I invited, then uninvited (my mother wouldn't stop criticizing), then invited my parents again (only after the negativity stopped and I'd made it clear it wasn't acceptable). They came and behaved and enjoyed and I'm glad for that. My sons and their girlfriends helped me with the dinner (it was pretty labor-intensive and the FM pain continues to be a big issue for me) and we just really enjoyed each other's company. I'm very very pleased that the girlfriends are comfortable here. They all loved the chocolates and jelly beans I gave them. (First year I DIDN'T do an Easter Egg hunt. They may be grown but they kept insisting on me continuing the hunts and I finally said enough. They know all the dang hiding places in my house anyway. *laugh*)

And I got to dance a little bit again on Friday. I went out for lunch with a friend and as we were walking out a song came on that brought up happy/sad memories so he just started dancing with me, changing my memory of the song to a happy one that will always make me laugh now.

Concerns about some friends remain. The FM pain keeps me awake at night. Work is going okay as I start thinking of finally taking a week off.

C'est la vie. Really.

Lost.... and Found

2006-04-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for friends. Real friends. Friends who tell you what you need to hear even if it's not always what you want or are ready to hear. Certainly my best friend falls into this category and I am blessed with a few others as well.

Last night after a few emails back and forth with a friend who also knew my Michael, I was reminded of so many things. It was like a splash of (much-needed) cold water though I don't think it was intended as such. The splash came with a lot of caring and concern and I needed to hear it all.

The result was some epiphanies....

Lately, I've been so focused on all I've lost that I forgot all I had. I said the words of gratitude but wasn't really feeling it. I feel it again, through and through. If this was it for me, it's enough.
I lost my way for a while there. Without him there to affirm me, and with a few extra hits from life from other directions, allllllll my past issues reared their ugly heads. But that's just it..... he just affirmed me, he did not define my worth. His loving me is not what made me worthwhile. I was worthy in the first place and that's why he loved me.
Michael was someone who made every person he interacted with - not just me - feel special. He always focused on their strengths and brought out the best in people. People left him feeling better about themselves. This was true in his work, in his daily interactions, and in his friendships. When I would get down on myself he would call me on that and get all logical on me (much to my annoyance at times) and remind me of all the things I have overcome and accomplished in my life. It always picked me up and I'd end up laughing at myself. He's not here to do that anymore so I have to do that for myself. I won't list those here, they're for me only, but just thinking about them has reminded me of why he so admired and loved me.
He believed I had great courage. And though I retained it for a few months after he died, I lost it for a while there. It's back again. I'm feeling calm and clear and ready to live again. Alone or otherwise, it doesn't matter. I know I'm going to falter now and then and that's okay. I won't lose my footing for so long again.
I learned so much from him (as he learned from me) and I won't let all that go to waste. What I learned from him has carried me through a lot of things even after he died. His life still informs mine.

Losing Michael has been unbearably painful. I also lost myself and that lead to darkness and despair.

But I'm found now.

Thank you, Michael. Thank you, my friends.

Coming up for air

2006-04-09T23:14:00.000-07:00

....sorta.

It's been a while, hasn't it? Just been too busy lately to write anything here. Busy with work (but that should settle down a bit now), busy fighting inner demons, busy being sick, busy not sleeping.

Achoo!

Hence the 'sorta' above. The cold keeps threatening my lungs so I'm fighting asthma a bit these days.

On the good side of things..... my sons are having fun with me having laryngitis. They are merciless. One friend/coworker is doing better, I think. Physically, the worst of the FM pain has eased a bit. Emotionally, I'm doing better too. Calmer is probably a better word. I'm grateful for my sons, their girlfriends, and my friends for being there. It can take a whole village to keep SwampHag together sometimes. I've been doing a lot of reflecting and it's not all positive but that's when we learn, right? I also have been adding more decorating touches to my home and I'm still enjoying that aspect. And, after three weekends, I finally finished gathering all pics, music and mementos together and put them into a special decorated chest, within reach but still put away. It feels like I'm honoring him and moving on at the same time. And going through all the items again, even as superficially as I did this time (closer examination was too painful), has reminded me that he really did love me and how blessed I was for so many years.

Emily and Richard were back on Gilmore Girls this past week. Emily reminds me so much of my own mother that I always get a kick out of the character on GG. And I watch a few others shows. But most of all I've been (re)watching Buffy on DVD. If only all shows could be written so well, with such humor and depth. And I just love tv series on dvds in general. No commercials, watch what you want when you have time. Listen to the commentaries. Next season I may avoid some shows altogether when they're on the network and just wait for the dvds. Much more fun that way.

Oh, and I've borrowed my son's digital camera to play with for a while so I may be able to share more pics here in the future.

That's about it.

Cheers!

Weary Wanderings

2006-03-31T23:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a hellofa week. Hellofa couple of weeks. Month. Year(s).

Sleep is at a premium. The FM pain is always there. Emotionally drained. So forgive any incoherence. Just need to wander tonight.

The other shoe was never supposed to drop, Shelly, let alone like this. My thoughts are with you.

I hurt for the co-workers who are themselves hurting, facing scary health issues in friends and family.

Worried about my best friend who demands so much of herself and gives so much of herself and is stressed to the max..... still..... again......

Sad about some issues at work, connections to be lost.

Need a break from work but not yet. Maybe in a few weeks. We're all working our tails off. Okay, maybe not MY tail off..... I wish. ;-)

My older son is buying an engagement ring and hopes to marry this year if she says 'yes' when he asks her within the next few weeks. (They've been together, on and off, for many years.) That took the wind out of my sails a bit. *chuckle* But though there are reasons to have some reservations about this, for the most part I'm happy for his happiness. Just getting used to the idea of it happening so fast.

I may be taking myself off the online dating service. It hasn't been an awful experience but I realized I really wasn't ready and was putting myself out there under false pretenses. Everyone out there is looking for THE ONE. I am not. I realized I wasn't ready because of the fear I felt at the thought of anyone actually being more than a little interested.

And I realized that part of the push (aside from the desperate need to fill the loneliness) for signing up in the first place was the feeling I had that everyone around me is ready for me to move on. That was MY perception, no one (okay, no one except my father who was pretty cruel to me a few weeks back but that's not really unusual) said anything of the sort. It wasn't until my older son learned of my interest in a dating service yesterday and just looked at me and said, "but you're not ready, it's too soon, you're too vulnerable" and I felt such relief, that I had this realization.

I've got some work to do on my self-esteem. I am settling for a rather bizarre and one-sided friendship with a man because I feel I don't deserve better in a friendship or anything else for that matter. I've 'settled' for a LOT in my life. For always coming second.... or last. I fight that within myself. Some days I succeed better than others.

There is a temptation to entirely withdraw, to hide myself away in the inviting darkness. I'll keep fighting that too and work on finding a balance. I keep going through the motions, do a lot of self-nurturing and always look for reasons to smile or excuses to laugh.

April 1st. My love died June 28, 2005 but the last time I actually saw him, the last time I looked into his eyes, the last time we held each other and kissed, the last time I felt his breath on my face and touched his soft hair, was April 1, 2004, in that airport in Sydney. Every time I had to say goodbye to him I thought it would be the last (he used to affectionately chide me about that) and it was always heart-wrenching. This time it really was the last.

I still cry often. I ache with the missing of him. I am sad and tired of being so sad. And becoming (thankfully) resigned to the loneliness.

Today I bought a small painted chest to put all mementos and pics and music and letters into. Not to hide him away but to put him in a special place within reach but at the same time giving myself more space to heal, taking the next step that feels right.

I feel like I'm doing so much worse than I was a few months ago. I guess grief is like that, it's not a smooth road and we sometimes go backwards.

I am j u s t s o w e a r y.

I did it!

2006-03-25T11:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I had THE DREADED MASSAGE yesterday and it wasn't so dreadful. *sheepishgrin*

The masseuse was a sweetheart and many of my concerns simply became nonissues. She was professional and friendly and very skilled and I felt very safe.

However, it definitely didn't help the FM pain and sometimes hurt while there (too long lying in one position or another - FM really should be called 'The PrincessAndThePea Syndrome' because of the feelings of pain from the most innocuous things - or due to the massaging itself though she was gentle and ALWAYS instantly eased up if I said anything about it hurting. Thankfully, it didn't seem to kick me into a worse flare than I'm already experiencing so no harm, no foul.

My grief was triggered right from the start and throughout for a few reasons. She was very understanding of the tears and I know it's not unusual but I'm still feeling very lost and vulnerable today and don't like it. I probably should just allow myself to feel the feelings but I'm fighting them and trying to get on with my day.

So no fears anymore but I also didn't get the "wow! what took me so long? I'll have to do this more often now!" epiphany I was half expecting. I may go for another one in the future, but probably do the chair thing to hopefully lessen the pain. The pampering/caring itself was VERY nice.

Thanks to my best friend for facilitating this experience.

Now, on to the next endeavor. Aside from getting some practical things done around the house, I'll be looking into the tow plane/glider experience. :-)

Revamping Surroundings

2006-03-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

I've always designed and decorated our own homes (and we lived in quite a few) so this isn't new to me though it's been a while (1992) since I last did it. (And it's been a long time since I had any disposable income. For years it was all about surviving and raising my sons and then traveling with my Aussie friend.)

What IS new to me is decorating for just ME. I have no one else to consider or please. It's all about ME.

And I'm loving it.

A couple of years ago I had my family room and kitchen repainted to some stronger colors and got a new carpet for the family room. This past January my younger son and my boarder repainted my living & dining rooms, plus entrance and hall. The look is entirely different than it had been in the past, pretty dramatic and warm at the same time.

I grew up in a home that wasn't 'cluttered' with much on the walls, one proper painting per wall, no photos on the walls, etc. It's actually been a very hard thing for me to break away from, that I could do it differently. (I really have to thank my best friend for providing an example of the possibilities.) I've done it a bit here and there (always expecting and receiving the disparagement of my mother for my choices) but have really and finally broken free this year.

So now I have beautifully matted and framed Ansel Adams photos sharing space with other art and mirrors I'd previously had. Now there are blown up scenic pics from my own vacations lining my hallway so every time I go down to my bedroom I pass those wonderful memories. What REALLY makes me smile is how they are placed.... they're fairly low down, right at MY eye level. I'm not here to please or impress anyone else anymore. So their placement makes me giggle. You can tell a short person lives here.

My laundry room and powder room needed new flooring (the old linoleum had completely pulled away from the walls years ago) so my older son tiled the floors and my younger son painted the walls. Totally changed the look and I'm now hunting down things to put on the powder room wall.

Next came an incredibly beautiful tapestry from Guatemala that my older son gave me and which is now hanging in my dining room. He'd watched the older women make them in a tiny village he discovered a couple of months ago when he was there. It doesn't really go with ANYthing else in style but I don't care. It's lush and gorgeous and it brings a shock of color that makes me smile and I love it's imperfection (you can really tell it wasn't made in a factory).

And my younger son just gave me a March of the Penguins poster (posters were always a big no-no) that is now placed on the wall here where I sit to work at my computer every day. That one makes me really smile.

Next I'm hiring someone to tile my kitchen floor, having already bought the tiles. Turns out I'm getting a decent tax refund so that may happen sooner rather than later.

There's more that needs doing within the next year or two, my bedroom and ensuite, some hardwood flooring in the living/dining rooms.

I've discovered a whole new world that I'm thoroughly enjoying and about which I get quite excited. My main shopping used to be at book, music and video stores. Now I haunt decorating stores to get ideas. What fun!

To blog or not to blog

2006-03-18T11:58:00.000-08:00

I find myself feeling very ambiguous about blogging lately and haven't sorted it all out in my own mind yet.

As I've mentioned, I find the process pretty therapeutic but not as much as private journaling. While being aware of a potential audience has helped me in a way in that it forces me to keep moving forward and not just wallow, on the other hand I find myself not blogging everything I'm really feeling even if those feelings needs expression because I'm worried about being too revealing, giving away too much of myself, or looking too pathetic. At the same time, I'm not sure that stopping altogether or blocking access to everyone else is the solution for me either.

I also set myself parameters for this blog, ones I want to stick to, deliberately keeping it about my own personal journey in healing and rebuilding my life (one of the reasons, in addition to respecting their privacy, I don't talk much about my sons' lives). At the same time, there are issues in the world that are tempting me, issues about which I have always felt passionately. South Dakota taking the option of abortion away from women, for example, the HPV vaccine which has disgustingly become a political issue in the States, Walmart and Plan B, or the Arianna/George Clooney ghost-blogging issue. There are a few solutions to that: just blog about those issues already - I mean, any rules are mine to break - or create another blog or just comment on others' blogs when they discuss those issues (though some blog entries are so good I suspect my comments would be more along the lines of 'ditto' *laugh*). I don't seem to have the energy for any of it these days.

And time is playing a part here in an ironical way. I AM starting to live my life, at least some of the time. And I'd rather be living it than blogging. Or at least away from the damn computer when I'm not working. That's a GOOD thing but it means less blogging.

And yes, I realize I'm making it more complicated than it needs to be. I can blog or not depending on whether I want to or not, whether it's right for me or not, and can blog on whatever I want if I can figure out what it is I want to say.

I guess this was just my usual long, meandering route to explain why I'm blogging less often lately.

For today, I'm gonna go out and enjoy the sunshine.

Ready or not

2006-03-12T21:39:00.000-08:00

Things aren't working out so well with the casual dating I've been doing with a gentleman in my area and I've been left feeling lonelier than ever on the weekends especially, despite pursuing my own life in other areas. I am still not looking for a big time relationship, just someone to go out with now and then, talk on the phone with now and then.

Sooooooo...... I went looking at an online dating service. I deliberately chose one that isn't all about getting married (but no, not any of the ones that were just about 'hooking up' either).

Interesting. Discouraging. Surreal. Humorous. All rolled into one.

And they kind of draw you in so the next thing you know, ready or not it seems, you're creating your own profile. I chose not to include a pic. Most women don't, at least at the site I was on, and I'm not surprised. It's less about being shy about myself personally as the idea of everyone in my neighborhood knowing I'm looking, etc. (I've seen enough on message boards where people, both men and women, talk about looking on those sites to see who in their neighborhood is looking, just for fun. Ha ha. ;-P) Nothing to be embarassed about but also not something I want to broadcast, ya know?

I shared I had fibromyalgia. I shared I'm anything but svelt.

And I sent a note to one and received a note from another.

Setting myself up for all sorts of new ways to be rejected. ;-)

Meanwhile, my gentleman friend is still interested in his own way too. Sorta. *rollseyes* He's very mixed up in his own life and does a lot of pull me closer, push me away and I think I'd rather just be friends for a variety of reasons.

And sometimes I just wanna crawl into a hole and hide. This all feels too hard, takes too much energy. I don't know that I'm ready but I tend to jump into things before I'm ready and let the chips fall where they may. If I sit around thinking too much about it all (whatever the 'it' happens to be at any point in my life) it gets too scary and I'll talk myself out of taking chances.

So here I am, acutely aware of what I've lost and how long it's been since I last saw my Australian friend, and jumping feet first into the water anyway.

*Gulp*

2006-03-07T23:06:00.000-08:00

THANK YOU DANA REEVE

For setting the example of strength and love and appreciating the joy and love while it's there. I ache for your son. And I hope that you and Chris are together again.

I have been remiss in counting my blessings. So.....

Thank you, Michael....

For Oregon, Tofino, Disneyland and Australia.

For all the Myst-like games. For the virtual explorations of Egypt and imaginary planets and fantastical worlds filled with beauty and music. For the constant word and board and trivia games.

For the laughter that was always there. For being silly. For letting me be the clown.

For hearing me. For encouraging me. For helping me find the half full cup. For believing in me. For showing me how strong I was, how capable, how much I'd overcome.

For letting me love you so fully and in so many ways.

For the balloon ride at dawn over the desert. For climbing the bridge. For the world of fine dining. For the adventure and exploration of rain forests and mountains and oceansides. For the haunting bird calls in the blue mountains. For the mountain glade in the moonlight. For swimming in the ocean at night. For sharing the whales and bears and eagles and hummingbirds. For the gift of wallabies and kangaroos and birds of every sound and rich color, haunting and joyful and exquisite. For the sea eagles and albatross.

For making love under the gum trees overlooking the ocean. For the constant passion and sensuality.

For sharing music and books and plays and movies and t.v. shows and introducing me to cricket.

For the playfulness. For the wordplay. For the letters. The perfect gifts and cards, both given and received.

For convincing me I was loveable.

I'm sorry I wasn't with you when you died.

Thank you for it all.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr. Seuss

I'm trying.

2006-03-04T23:21:00.000-08:00

You know you're in trouble when....

....you google 'horoscope' hoping to find some good news for your life out there. What's really bad is that each horoscope site I went to had gloomy news. *LOL* I thought these places were supposed to tell you what you wanted to hear!?! Hmmmph!

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Been reeeeeally busy and struggling emotionally and physically. I was going to continue to stay away because I really have nothing worthwhile to say but then I kicked myself and reminded myself that it's when I am most tempted to withdraw and hide is when I most need to write out my feelings and/or share.

Things are going well in many ways. I've really got nothing to complain about. A bit worried about some issues with my sons. But that's about it in terms of day to day life. Work is going okay. Some continued renovating in my home are going okay. I'm blessed with my sons. I have a roof over my head. We've had some sunshine. I even visited a lovely blue heron reserve not too far from here, one of the smaller things on my list for this year.

Okay, so the FM pain has been flaring again. And I usually don't sleep during the week. I sleep on weekends only because I take something to make me sleep but they're not meds that can be taken on a regular basis (nor do I want to as their hangover effect is icky) so I'm out of luck the rest of the week. About six weeks ago I took myself off the last regular med I took, the only med I was taking for FM (for the sleep disorder part of the condition, not the pain), suspecting I was allergic to it. (Yes, I discussed this with my doctor.) I think I was right. But that means poorer sleep than ever, between that and the pain.

My on again/off again friendship with a man is.... who knows? It confuses me and every time I think I have a handle on how to handle it all within myself, I end up getting insecure all over again. This isn't even about the man/woman relationship. It is about friendship and, due to some other experiences with another friend, I have a lot of inner doubts about my worthiness as a friend.

But mostly I'm just unbearably lonely. Just about everything is triggering me missing my Aussie friend and reinforcing my belief that that was it for me. That I have a very long life ahead of me to spend alone and unloved and never being special to anyone again.

Maybe it's just PMS and I'll be fine in another couple of days. For decades PMS wasn't an issue for me at all. Okay, except for general clumsiness and a heightened sex drive (I have to be the only woman whose partners actually looked forward to that time of the month *chuckle*). That's not the case the last year or two. Blech.

Enough of this. Self pity parties are no fun without the booze.

Speaking of which.... my best friend is coming over this Thursday and staying the night. We both need some girl time. Some drunken girl time. With nachos.

2006-02-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

OLYMPIC MEMORIES

I grew up in a family of skiiers and was downhill skiing almost before I could walk. My parents couldn't afford much but skiing was a priority. We'd eat our homemade lunches in the car, complete with a thermos full of hot chocolate. Leather laced boots that never kept your feet warm. Rope tows up the hill and racing down, sans poles, to sneak through to the front of the line because I was just so darn cute everyone let me pass. My parents continued to ski into their 70s. My father is an incredibly elegant skiier. Nice memories.

So it's no surprise that the winter Olympics were a big deal in our home. Given our heritage, it was the Austrian and Canadian skiiers (like Nancy Greene) we were cheering on, but we also couldn't ignore the brilliance of a Jean-Claude Killy. We knew these names as well as others knew David Cassidy or Donny Osmond (ya, I'm showing my age).

As I got older and fell in love and had children, my world changed and I was barely aware of the Olympics, summer or winter.

I got pulled back into the Olympic fever when it was held in Atlanta because my love was an avid Olympics fan. And then there was Sydney in 2000. Sydney was his home and I had yet to go so between his passion for his city which was incredibly infectious, books he sent me about various Australian Olympians, and watching the footage of the city on t.v., the city I would later fall in love with in person, I was hooked again on the Olympics and have been ever since. He attended the closing ceremonies and I still have the pics he took of the smuggled-in enormous Canadian flag on the floor with the athletes. The Aussies loved the cheekiness of the Canucks for that.

We shared our enthusiasm through the Sydney, Salt Lake City and Athens Olympics. Yet another way to bond with someone too far away. I'm sorry we won't be able to share the 2010 Vancouver Olympics as we did all the others. We'd looked forward to it.

So the Torino Olympics have been bittersweet for me, mostly sweet. There were certainly some good moments and I'm soooooo impressed with how well our Canadian women did. And it was great seeing the flag turned over to Vancouver's mayor (he found it ironic that he, as he put it, the world's worst skiier - he became a quadriplegic at 19 due to a skiing accident - was the one accepting the flag for our 2010 winter Olympics) during the closing ceremony.

It's kinda sad to see the flame go out but I'm also somewhat glad it's over. Another trigger gone through fairly successfully.

And I'm still gonna wear my Sydney 2000 baseball cap when I go out walking in the rain.

Technorati Tags: Olympics, Sydney, Vancouver

2006-02-25T23:12:00.000-08:00

Male Friendships

Most women I know have always had profound friendships with other women from childhood on. We always had our 'kindred spirits' (one of my favorite phrases from Anne of Green Gables).

I'm 45 and in my generation I just didn't see a lot of male friendships that weren't fairly superficial and/or didn't last past highschool or college associations.

Which is why I am so pleased for my two sons. While they had friendships with both boys and girls in elementary school, it was starting in the 8th grade (junior high here) that they each formed deep bonds with a little circle of friends. These friendships remain extremely strong and meaningful even now, years after highschool graduation, and - in the case of my older son - despite long periods spent distanced from each other and pursuing remarkably different lives. (For example, my older son has spent a lot of time in other countries. One of his friends now lives on an island off the coast of B.C., married young with two young daughters he absolutely adores. Another of his friends recently married in another province and is presently serving with our military in Afghanistan. But you'd never know that time and distance has ever separated them once they're together again. Side story: one of the Christmases my older son was away suddenly one of his friends showed up at my front door. His only purpose was to pass on a hug from my older son to me. He hugged me and left. Pretty cool.)

One brother's circle is very different than the other brother's but they share certain attributes. They are extreeeeeeemely loyal to each other and really have each other's backs. This, despite some major divergences in belief systems and philosophies. I have for years loved knowing that if my sons felt they couldn't come to me for whatever reason, I knew they talked with their friends and that they were looking out for each other. They're also not afraid to show affection, including hugs, sharing feelings, vulnerabilities.

From what I've observed - and I'm sure I'm generalizing too broadly here - this feels like a major shift for men between the generations. Either way, it's a very good thing.

I'll finish with a little story of my older son and one of his friends. When they were around 18 yrs old they often went camping on the weekends. Bad weather didn't matter. And we have plenty of lakes, rivers and mountains nearby from which they could choose. Not surprisingly, there was some substantial drinking going on (no driving EVER when drinking which is why they often chose the closest mountain and walked/hiked into the woods). My older son returned from one of these trips with badly burned feet. The story went that he had passed out drunk, his feet in the fire and one of his best buds had got his feet out of the fire and made sure he was okay. It felt good knowing he was being looked after.

Well, years later I learned the real truth. Yes, my son got drunk and passed out. His buddy was worried about him getting too cold so he got him in to his sleeping bag and put his feet by the fire. REALLY by (in?) the fire. Sleeping bag caught on fire. Hence the burned feet. *LOL* So much for that warm fuzzy feeling I had about how they looked after each other.

P.S. My older son rarely, if ever, drinks now and hasn't for many years. I guess he got it out of his system. My younger son has yet to touch a drop. He's just not interested, having seen how idiotic some of his friends can behave when they're drunk. (Nor has he tried drugs and yes, I would know.) And I think he actually likes being the designated driver.

2006-02-24T11:22:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter.

The masseuse had to cancel the appointment. So, another day.

2006-02-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

I'M SUCH A COWARD

Well, in my ongoing pursuit of challenging myself this year, stepping outside the box, taking on adventures big and small, I am going to be getting my first massage tomorrow and will be crossing that one off the to-do list.

Over and over in my life I have shown courage, whatever the challenge. I'm also generally a pretty calm person.

And yet I'm positively anxious tonight at the prospect of having the massage tomorrow. (And my emotional eating tonight is reflecting that.)

Originally, I wasn't going to blog about this until it was past and I could share my triumph and my foolishness with bemused hindsight. But I'm here tonight hoping writing it out will help ease the anxiety.

I have every reason to be confident in the masseuse I'll be seeing so my fears are really unfounded but, oh well, here they are:

I'm afraid there will be a fallout in pain due to my fibromyalgia. The thing about FM is that sometimes it hurts at the time of the touch, sometimes it doesn't hurt until later. So if that's the case I won't be able to say "stop, it hurts". There are enough distractions and endorphins in other kinds of touch for it to be less of an issue for me.

I try to let this one go but due to some perceptions instilled during my upbringing, it's difficult for me to believe my body deserves any kind of pampering.

There are some sexual abuse issues for me; massage was what was used to 'groom' me for it.

Being basically nude in front of another. Funny, I can do this just fine with a sexual partner and have few, if any, inhibitions. But for this I'm just lying there, not doing anything diverting, not overwhelming anyone with my personality or sexual prowess. Just L-Y-I-N-G there.

My skin. Excema has been the bane of my life for the last few years and I've become very self-conscious about it.

It's difficult for me to accept kindness, kind touch. I'm afraid it will trigger something in me. I am feeling very vulnerable lately and have what has sometimes been referred to as 'skin hunger'; the need to be touched at all is overwhelming at times. And I'm afraid I'll burst out crying. (And yes, I know that's not unusual and I know that she will be fine about this but *I* won't.)

Since my love died I have kept myself very very busy, challenging myself, pursuing creative projects, even just having fun. I fill up the silences with music which has no connection to HIM or the t.v. is on all the time. Soothing music in the background isn't diverting enough. So I will be there with no book, no project, no distraction, just lying there with time to think. (I feel the same at the dentist's, by the way. I have zero fear of dentistry despite having a lot of often painful work done over the years, so I'm relaxed when I go there with too much time to think.)

I fully expect that tomorrow's experience WILL BE okay and I'll be blushing at my foolish misgivings. (Heck, I'm already embarassed.) But tonight I can't convince myself of that.

Hmmm. Writing it out may have helped. A little bit. Maybe.

Technorati Tag: massage

2006-02-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

Good ex-husbands - is there such a thing?

My ex and I were together for a couple of decades. By the time our marriage ended, it had been years of problems, numerous attempts - with counseling and otherwise - to keep it going, keep it healthy. We met when we were young and probably should have let the marriage go sooner than we did. As it was it went on far too long and both of us ended up being very hurt.

Like it is for so many others, the separation and divorce was pretty ugly and scary at times. I was the one who wanted the divorce and he wasn't ready. He had reason to hate me and he did his best to turn our sons and everyone around me against me.

I say all that not to bash him but to emphasize how far we've come.

And it actually didn't take all that long. By the time the divorce went through, a couple of years after we separated, it had already settled down. We were ALL extremely fortunate that he found someone else fairly quickly. It was obviously good for him but it was also good for me because that meant he moved on from the hatred. And it was especially good for our sons because they realized he was going to be okay.

Now we are all okay.

It didn't really surprise me that he is a good ex-husband. (He preferred the role of the 'fun/weekend dad' even when we were married.) He's a better co-parent now than he was when we were married. And he's more considerate towards me now than he was then.

He and his lady live fairly close by. We call each other to share concerns about our now grown sons (believe me, those concerns don't end once they're grown, just become more complicated). Not a lot but we know we can call if we need to. We attend graduations and birthday celebrations all together (his lady included, of course). I'm still invited to some of his family celebrations like weddings and showers. Over the years of the divorce, I've given him and his lady Christmas cards and I'll receive chocolates or a flower now and then. A year ago my mother experienced a few strokes and it was touch and go with her for a while and he phoned with his support.

I know this makes our sons VERY happy. They have zero expectation that we'll get back together, that's just not the issue. But they are very pleased that we treat each other so well, albeit at a distance.

I mentioned in a past entry how my ex was part of the surprise of my older son's recent early homecoming. He was in on the whole thing for the last few months and never let it slip. He drove hours to pick him up at the airport and deliver him here. It was a wonderful thing for him to do and entirely selfless.

Some background to set the stage for the next story: My birthday is November 1st, one day after Hallowe'en. Hallowe'en is a HUGE deal here, in our area and in our home. Usually we'd be surrounded by friends and neighbors, many of whom would wish me a Happy Birthday, etc. within his hearing. His birthday is November 2nd, the day after mine. And yep, he 'forgot' my birthday more than once.

Juxtapose that to what occurred a few years ago. My older son who was barely an adult at the time was serving with our military in Bosnia. He was gone for a good part of that year, training in another province and then in Europe for six months, including over the Christmas holidays. It was the first Christmas of his life when he wouldn't be with us. (We've since gone through two more without him.)

On Christmas morning, which I spent with my younger son, I opened one awkwardly wrapped gift to find a very Eastern European-looking 'Santa', a gift from my older son. My younger son revealed that yes, my older son had got it to my ex who had given it to my younger son to smuggle into the house to under the Christmas tree.

And I knew. And what I realized still brings tears to my eyes as I write this. My older son had done nothing of the sort. I wasn't expecting anything and wasn't hurt that there'd be nothing. He was doing what he wanted to do, his girlfriend had joined him for Christmas so he wasn't going to be alone (my only concern), and he was just too caught up in his life to even think of something like this, let alone have a chance to actually take care of it.

I knew that my ex, the same ex who had sometimes been thoughtless in our marriage, had figured I'd be missing our son and that our son should have got me something. I knew that he had gone out and deliberately found that Eastern European-looking Santa to pass it off as a gift from my son so that I would know my son was thinking of me.

I knew.

And I was right. That Santa is one of the ugliest things I've ever seen but it's one of the most precious things I have and it's always on display each Christmas.

That's a good ex-husband. Kinder than I deserve and, divorced or not, our sons have a real family.

Blessings come where we least expect them.

2006-02-18T23:04:00.000-08:00

BLOGGING AND HEALING

Not all of my journaling experiences have been positive ones. My journals have been turned against me now and then. But I return to them time and time again because their power to heal is undeniable.

I have journaled, off and on, throughout my life. I journaled as a preteen and teen, again in my thirties and into my forties. Some have been diaries, some all about poetry and feelings, dealing with subjects from love to sexual abuse to self-destruction to death to divorce to illness to joy to..... well, just about everything.

I kept a gratitude/prayer/dream journal for years. That last one helped me through my divorce and beyond. When life seemed bleakest having to stick to a gratitude journal every night to remind myself of the good things in my life made a positive difference and kept me putting one foot in front of the other. (Some nights I could barely write "thank goodness this awful day is over' but at least it forced me to look at the bright side and doing so wasn't about denial but helped me face each day.) And those dreams I kept at the back of each of those journals - many dreams that were far-fetched - all were realized and crossed off over the years.

I've kept travel journals at the suggestion of my best friend, starting a couple of trips ago. I thought I'd never have time for such a thing and it wasn't needed. How grateful I am now that she gave it to me and that I used it. Over time, the little details are lost from memory and even pictures don't capture the entire experience. Those travel journals, journaling my last times with my love AND journaling a healing trip of memorializing with my best friend, bring me great joy today.

In between those last couple of trips, I kept a grief journal. It, too, was necessary and almost every entry was writing to my love, expressing my grief directly to him, my loss, my feelings, my anger, my desolation. A few months ago I had to put it away. I realized it was keeping me in the grief and it had stopped being a healing tool and had begun trapping me.

And then came this blog a few months later. And I realized tonight, in talking with a friend, just what a great healing tool this blog has been and it has something private journals do not that is very important to that healing, at least for me.

Because there is a potential audience, I don't allow myself to emotionally get bogged down. It helps to force me to continue to put one foot in front of the other. When I share a list of things I want to accomplish this year, for example, it's out there and I'm accountable. So if I'm tempted to let those dreams and goals go, I feel less inclined to do so. I'm more likely to look for and find the humor in a situation because I know that's more entertaining. I'm more likely to find the positive spin at least some of the time.

Blogging encourages me to be a cup half full kinda woman more often than otherwise, not just for the purpose of the blog but authentically within myself.

And on a weekend when I've been reeling from some physical and emotional crud of the last few days/weeks, it is thinking about this idea that has brought me back to myself and reminded me that I'll be okay.

That can only be good. :-)

2006-02-14T22:02:00.000-08:00

Top 10 reasons it's a good thing not to have a Significant Other on Valentine's Day

10. No need to shave legs (or other places).
9. Not having to hear the oh so lame "Was it good for you?" (Okay, I've never actually heard that one but I have heard rumors of it being said. Urban legend? Maybe.)
8. No flowers = no hayfever.
7. No stuffed animals means less things to dust.
6. No chocolate means.... um..... sorry, can't find anything good about 'no chocolate'.
5. Can watch favorite t.v. programs without guilt that I'm taking away quality time from my partner.
4. No dirty looks from those around you who don't have a valentine.
3. Having my woman-power-I-am-enough-alone reinforced. Hear me roar.
2. No need to gush over the wrong size ugly piece of lingerie or stale chocolates bought at the local gas station.

And the Number One reason it's a good thing not to have a Significant Other on Valentine's Day:

Time to make THREE blog entries within a 24 hour period!

Technorati Tags: Valentine's, Top 10

2006-02-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day Update

Sorry for the tease last night. (My best friend may have looked in here before coming over today and I wanted her to be as surprised as I was.)

Aaaaaaaanyway, my older son who has been gone in Central America for months and wasn't due home until late Thursday night, came home early last night just to surprise me! Apparently, he'd planned this, along with my ex-husband who had to pick him up from the airport, since before he went away last November. My younger son was in on it too.

It didn't register when I saw his face peeking around the corner at me. It literally took me a minute. And then I burst out crying. (Man, I'm an emotional mess lately. Not sleeping isn't helping.)

I'm used to him being away for long stretches, between army stints and missionary work overseas, I'm used to him not being here for the holidays, etc. And this was a shorter time away than in the past and I've handled those fine. Not surprisingly, considering what's been going on in my life, this time I missed him so much more.

We talked very late into the night and I'm feeling a wee bit less lonely today. And it's a cold sunny day here after getting a dusting of snow in the early morning hours. Magic still exists.

(We've had an amazingly warm and drearingly wet winter with no snow except on the mountains until now. On top of that, my younger son recently finished repainting my living/dining/entrance/hallway and new pictures are framed and hung and I'm now surrounded by an entirely new and beautiful environment.)

It was a lovely Valentine's gift from him, from my younger son and from my ex.

Later he'll be heading to his girlfriend's university, flowers in hand, to surprise HER. I can only imagine what THAT's gonna be like. *smiiiiiile*

2006-02-13T23:36:00.000-08:00

VALENTINE'S DAY

I know I shouldn't care, but I do. I know that tokens of affection, whether on Valentine's or any other time, are not a guarantee of a loving, healthy relationship. I know that when I'm in a loving relationship, Valentine's Day matters very little (though I always enjoyed finding just the right card - it was always more about having someone to give to than be given to).

But not today. New loss. Old loss. I am alone. And it hurts like hell. It feels raw. It feels like yesterday, not seven and a half months ago.

From Peter Gabriel's 'I Grieve':

And I can't handle this
I grieve....
For you
You leave
Me....

Did I dream this belief
Or did I believe this dream
How I will find relief
I grieve....

I wrote the above a few hours ago. It had been a rough few days and I wasn't doing well.

And then something really great happened. But I'll fill you in on that another day....

Stay tuned!

2006-02-12T12:27:00.000-08:00

Northern Voice Meanderings

Yesterday, Saturday, I attended Northern Voice 2006 in Vancouver, a conference on all things blog. I will be sharing details of what I learned directly with my coworkers in the near future and I'll be implementing changes here based on what I learned - once I have time, wassat? - but, for now, I'll just share my own personal experience of the day rather than review each speaker, etc.

It is only thanks to a couple of co-workers who covered for me yesterday and this morning that I even have time to do this entry. I am so grateful for them going above and beyond for me.

Wow. Where to start?

I am a late riser and tend to work late so getting up at 5:00 a.m. was a whole new adventure to me all by itself. (Yes, I need a life.) I'm used to seeing sunsets. What the heck was the sun doing on THAT side of the valley? Driving towards Vancouver, the moon setting in front of me, the sun rising behind me, startlingly clear weather, the lights on Grouse Mountain's ski hills still glittering against the snow.... siiiiigh. I love traveling to faraway places but I truly love the beauty of my home base. Driving, listening to music, nostalgic for those mornings of traveling to Vancouver Airport to fly to my love, pleasant memories of all those memories throughout childhood and my sons' childhoods of early morning drives to ski hills. Very nice.

Thanks to mapquest and detailed directions from Northern Voice's site itself I found my way to the conference, early of course. No problem. EVERYone I encountered there, from the volunteers who had put it together and greeted us and facilitated each session to the speakers to the other attendees were very friendly and gracious and welcoming. Just about every session was attended equally by men and woman and there were a lot more people of around my age (45) and older than I'd expected so I didn't feel like a fish out of water.

Hell, it was just good to get out of the house for a day.

Grabbed some free buttons (well, I DO love to blog so why not advertise it?) and flyers and pens, was provided with a name tag on which I had to add some 'key words' about myself. They want me to think this early in the morning? Okay, done with my lame keywords ('music lover' was one of them *gag*) and here I go to the first of seven sessions.

Julie Leung was our first speaker and started things off on a high note. She spoke on the power of stories and, looking at my notes now, I see a gazillion quotes from her (including "Stories help us stay healthy" and "Be content with the imperfect") and those she references as well as a list of websites to look at for how others have found and used their voices.

And the quality was maintained by all the speakers throughout the day. Some were more about the nitty gritty technical aspects of blogging, how to get started, the tools, the stats (stats whores abounded), splogs and spings, tags (I suspect I'm going to become a tag whore myself) and feeds, etc. Others were more about the ideas, the potential, advocacy, citizen journalism, the power of blogging, both personally and globally.

And then there was Nancy White. Not only was she articulating all the things I believed about community (I found myself constantly nodding like one of those bobble-head toys), having worked with online communities for a decade, she is a chocoholic and - get this - she SHARES her chocolate! Now this is a speaker I can get behind! (The chocolate she shared were those little Dove chocolates within wrappers that have little sayings for you, kinda like fortune cookies. Mine said "Love without rules." This is advice I don't need. I have no problem doing that. What I needed was "Love wisely", something I've yet to accomplish. *sigh*) I was just sorry that Nancy's "Snow White and the Seven Competencies" was only an hour long, far too short a time to bask in her delightful delivery. And in the midst of all the fun, she packs in a LOT of great information.

Next, an excellent session on blogging and how it is changing journalism and then lunch break. I hit the wall in my FM pain and fatigue and almost left in tears. But I'd come all this way and didn't want to give in to the pain so I hung on by my fingernails, got through the break and dove into the afternoon's sessions.

I stuck mostly with the technical aspect of things in the afternoon and was very glad I stayed for them; they were well worth it.

Some background on me: I'm one of those nerds who fondly remembers when Pong, then Space Invaders and PacMan came out. I bought Intellivision way back when. When my sons were born (they're now grown men, one of whom is definitely a geek) we started with computers, DOS ruled and imaginative learning games were part of their growing up. So I've been surrounded by computers and gaming for decades. When I first went online and began working online, I spent years with a gaming company based in Seattle (and became an avid gamer myself). I have fond memories of all the people I encountered, the creative and eager young men who kept lego models of Star Wars ships in their cubicles. The excitement of that often male-dominated world was just plain fun and though I love my women coworkers, I've sometimes missed that male energy.

So walking into the Geek Out conference and some of the others, with speakers that included Robert Scoble, was a treat for me. I swear they're all like kids in candy stores as they shared their various latest enthusiasms (I have a list of Firefox extensions I can't wait to explore) and websites. While all the other sessions were attended equally by both men and women, this one was filled primarily with men, chairs all taken, people sitting on the floor and standing against walls (that last one was me). Almost all the men had laptops. Tap tap tap. (I have lap-top envy now. Typing is soooooo much easier - and more legible after the fact - than hand-written notes. I took as many or more notes than the men, just without that gentle tap tap tap. *pout* Working from home and taking vacations where I get away from that work entirely, I have no real need for a laptop which is why I don't have one yet but that isn't slowing down the lap-top envy even a little bit.)

All in all and despite the anticipated overwhelming pain and fatigue fallout, the conference was an extremely positive experience for me and I'm so glad I attended. I learned a LOT that I still have to process and disseminate. I am a prodigious note-taker (you should see me play a mystery/adventure game; notes galore) and have a lot to wade through. I was inspired and overwhelmed and had a whole lot of fun and wish I didn't have to work and have a life in there somewhere too because I'm eager to start make some changes here, dammit!

Thanks to all who contributed to and attended Northern Voice 2006. You may have created a (blog) monster here. ;-)

Technorati Tags: northernvoice, nvoice2006, Julie Leung, Nancy White, blogging

2006-02-09T22:58:00.000-08:00

REJECTION

Rejection comes in so many guises.

There are the more blatant kinds we all recognize and have all been through at one time or another. Not getting that job you interviewed for. Not getting picked for that team or role. Not getting that date you pursued. Being left in a relationship.

There are the more subtle kinds.... parents choosing a sibling's wellbeing over yours, parents rejecting who you are in a million and one ways, friends who turn from you when you most need them.

Death. Yes, even though your thinking brain tells you otherwise, death feels like a rejection of you. (Because it is so all about you, after all.) Like you were so not worthy of being loved that death was chosen as the alternative. It's not true but that's how you feel. You feel LEFT. And you're hurt and you're angry. Not feeling him when he left felt like a rejection of the connection we had. Not dreaming of him once he's gone feels like I wasn't good enough for him to make an effort to provide me with a reassuring vision.

At one point a few months ago I felt I was doing everything 'right' and couldn't figure out why I was getting angrier. I was in little girl mode and was sulking. Here I'd been a brave little soldier and done everything 'right', grieved with grace, took care of myself, honored his memory, yada yada yada. And yet he was STILL ignoring me. No vision. No presence felt. No acknowledgement of my efforts.

No resurrection.

Just bitter emptiness beneath the moonlight reflecting on the ocean. I will always remember the physical beauty of that night. I will always remember my best friend standing next to me, trying to witness what I was feeling. I will always remember, with aching clarity, how I felt that night. I think that was the night I finally faced that final rejection.

Today I felt rejected again when a friend returning from weeks out of town, when our relationship was still a bit ambiguous, didn't call me. I'd told myself he had a lot to contend with upon his return, personal, work, jet lag. I wouldn't be high on that list so it may take days for a call, if at all.

I don't expect much from this friendship. But it still felt like yet another rejection for me.

I move through the world with confidence. I act like I have it all together. And it's not all a lie. A lot of the time I AM confident and do have it all together. But I guess we're all contradictions and we're all the product of our pasts, try as we might to learn and grow and move on.

So when I felt only slightly rejected again I immediately went back inside my head to the comfortable negative thoughts, born of more significant rejections. I'm not worthy of a call. I'm not worthy of a friendship. I am inherently unloveable and deserving of punishment and I can point to many things in my life that prove that nice little theory.

I do know different. I even find such thoughts disgustingly melodramatic. But there they are.

My love hated it when I thought like this. He helped to remind myself of all I've accomplished, all I've had to deal with in my life, all I've overcome. And reminded me of the love of my friends and sons and himself. I am fortunate in my friends. But if that's the case, I must be worthy of their friendship and regard. He would always get all logical on me. Hmmmph. And it worked. And I usually ended up laughing at myself.

Which is where I got to tonight again. Fickle friends only complicate one's life anyway. And I'm just starting to enjoy my life again. Who needs 'em? (Baby SwampHag just piped up in a little voice "I do".....Hush!)

I hate learning sometimes. But with each of these experiences I get stronger.

What makes me happy is that I got to an okay place on my own BEFORE he called. Really. Because yup, he did call to check in with me. It wasn't even a rejection in the first place, just my own mind working itself up, preparing myself for the inevitable hurt to come.

Didn't I say on my 'list' that baggage was okay but be sure to have dealt with it, etc.? Methinks I need to do a better job practicing what I preach (and what I expect in others). *blush*

2006-02-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

2 b or not 2 b?

Just doesn't have the same impact, does it?

I get the whole text and instant messaging thing (heck, I do the latter and have for years). I get that language shortcuts have arisen for their purpose. I also get that language must always evolve if it's going to stay alive.

But please please please can we write properly when we're not using those modes of communication?

I've noticed that people's vocabulary actually seems to be improving while their use and spelling of words are becoming increasingly inaccurate.

So here are some basic tips (aren't you all glad I'm here to set you all straight? ;-) :

'Too', 'two' and 'to' are three different words. None of them are spelled '2'.

It's 'iNput', not 'iMput'.

Learn when to use 'there' (a place), 'they're' (they are) and 'their' (ownership). They're (see how I did that? - you can slap me now, S) not interchangeable.

'You' is not spelled 'u'. Really.

'Except' and 'accept' are each spelled correctly and have entirely different meanings.

Okay, say it with me, folks, "I before E except after C". (Yes, there are a few exceptions - as opposed to 'acceptions' - such as 'weird' - why do people ALWAYS remember the I before E rule when it comes to the word 'weird' but rarely at other times? - but those exceptions are few.)

If you're going to swear at me, please spell it properly. I will not go fuk myself.

And since we're on the subject, 'come' and 'cum' aren't the same either, even when both are used when talking about sex.

Paragraphing can be your friend.

ALL CAPS ARE DIFFICULT TO READ.

i'm almost done. just a bit more to add. like: Please capitalize the start of your sentences.

'It's' means 'it is'. 'Its' is about ownership. "It's hard to tell what color it is when its color keeps changing."

And the biggie:

You do not pluralize a word by adding an apostrophe S. I know it's tempting. I know that everyone is doing it. I know you see it in store windows and on billboards and in subtitles. But it's WRONG, folks. (Or is that folk's?) This last one has become so prevalent that I catch myself doing it now and then, too. And that REALLY ticks me off.

Hmmmph.

/end vent

;-)

2006-02-05T23:41:00.000-08:00

I couldn't add the picture of the Harbour Bridge we took that night to the blog entry below so I'm trying here.

2006-02-05T23:05:00.000-08:00

ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO

Today I received a couple of reminders which blindsided me. It's getting close to two years now since I last looked into your eyes.

I miss you with the whole of my being.

Our last night, staying in a luxurious hotel in Sydney, just a couple of blocks up from the Sydney Opera House. Walking down the street, holding your hand, on that warm night to the amazing restaurant within the Opera House. Seated at a table at the window, the best table in the place, our backs to the restaurant, impeccable service, exquisite food and wine, spirited conversation, indulging in the experience for hours.

I know I was beautiful because of how you looked at me.

I was beautiful because you loved me.

Looking out directly across the harbour to the Harbour Bridge.

The bridge we had climbed together all the way to the very top only a couple of weeks before. A dream fulfilled.

Watching the fireworks right in front of us.

It couldn't have been a more perfect last night.

Thank you for all of the beautiful memories.

I'm trying to be brave.

Je t'aimerais toujours.

Bon nuit, mon amour vrai.

2006-02-03T22:16:00.000-08:00

THE LIST (A Work In Progress)

Note: This list is by no means complete and is subject to change at a moment's notice and on the whim of the writer. I'm told that, as a woman, it IS my prerogative to change my mind. So there.

Things I want and don't want in a future partner (Not necessarily in order of importance.)

Vicinity: Considering my last serious relationship was with someone on the other side of the world, 'in the vicinity' could mean anything along the west coast and it would feel close. But boy, it would be nice to have someone nearby.

If male, comes (no pun intended) with a vasectomy. (See THE CONTINUING SAGA OF A MIDDLE-AGED SINGLETON for reference.) If female.... well, nevermind.

(You didn't really think this was going to be an entirely serious list, did you?)

Is brave enough to be in a relationship with me in front of the world and everything.

Has a great sense of humor that doesn't rely on putting others down. Knows his way around a double entendre. Quick-witted. Self-deprecating. Ability to be downright silly. Able to laugh.

Thinks I am special, funny, sexy, awesome, and amazing in 1001 ways.

Is able to enjoy, celebrate, accept and appreciate all the love I have to give in all the ways I give it. Being able to give love fully and have it accepted by the one I love is probably more important to me than being loved.

Enthusiastic, joyful, passionate, unhibited, considerate, respectful lover. Physical attributes don't matter and techniques can be learned. If you've got the attributes listed in that first sentence, we can go from there. I promise I won't bite.... unless you want me to. (Okay, okay. I can hear the groans from here. Hey, I'm allowed an old joke now and then.)

Is free to be in a relationship with me. That means divorced (or widowed or single), not separated, not thinking about getting separated.

Love and appreciation of language, either written or oral or both. A second (or third) language is nice too but not a must. Heck, *I* don't speak more than one language with any fluency.

Loves music, is truly moved by it, and is open to trying different kinds and sharing his own preferences.

A world view. Aware and appreciative of the world and different perspectives and beliefs.

Enjoys traveling, exploring different places and new experiences.

Makes time for me. Makes an effort to be with me.

Prefer (but not a must) no kids or kids who are grown. I've raised my sons and am in a different place now.

Knows how to treat a lady. I like doors being opened for me. (Heck, I open them for men, too. For me it goes both ways.)

Being clean in his person and in surroundings. Being a neat freak is not necessary. If you ARE a neat freak, that's okay, just don't expect ME to be one. I'll pick up after after myself and I expect you to do the same.

Is able to just be companionably silent with me without needing to fill up each moment with talk and noise.

Likes to hold hands in public.

Is able to find joy in the smallest of things.

Treats others (including my sons) with consideration and respect.

Forgiving of fallibilities in others.

Financially responsible and not afraid of work.

Punctual. Being early now and then is fine, being late now and then is fine. But I don't appreciate someone consistently being an hour or two later than we'd arranged, resulting in our time being rushed. That tells me that he believes his time is more important than mine and I'm not worth his consideration. And yes, punctuality and spontaneity are not mutually exclusive.

Non-smoker.

Encouraging of my own individual creative and adventurous pursuits and of my work (just as I would be of yours). We do not need to be joined at the hip.

Accent doesn't matter but a sexy voice is a must.

Someone around my age. I know that anything can happen and often does but it would be difficult for me to be with someone considerably older than me again; the chances of being left alone again too soon are too great.

Appreciation of nature.

Is a movie buff and enjoys foreign and independent films as much as mainstream films.

Someone who can handle the limitations of my having fibromyalgia.

We've all got baggage. I know I do. But it should be faced, dealt with, learned from, moved on from. Don't judge me by your past relationships.

Passive Aggressives need not apply.

Don't shut me out when you have some issues to work out. I am quite happy to give you space if you need it, just let me know rather than keep me guessing at what *I* may have done wrong.

Doesn't need to drink (or get high) to have a good time.

Road rage is NOT a turn on.

Doesn't feel the need to put me or others down to feel good about himself.

Homophobics and bigots not welcome. Disrespect of women's rights just won't work.

I respect your right to believe or not believe in whatever higher power you wish. Respect mine. Having said that, I do not think I could be with someone who was a fundamentalist anything but then I expect that anyone who is a fundamentalist wouldn't want to be with me anyway.

Doesn't judge a book by its cover.

Doesn't believe that burps and farts are the height of comedy.

Gee, I bet you're so surprised this got so long. NOT. Well, this is a start. You can all laugh at me when I end up with someone who doesn't meet any of the above criteria and who lives in Tibet.

2006-02-02T23:02:00.000-08:00

MY THEORY ABOUT WHY WE WATCH SURVIVOR

Okay, it's probably really just one of the reasons *I* watch Survivor.

I don't watch a lot of the unscripted drama (so-called 'reality') shows but Survivor is one of them (Amazing Race is the other). I was a snob about it all when it first showed up and refused to watch the first season and was disgusted at all the attention it got. Eg. I live in British Columbia. When there was a season finale of Survivor guess what had taken over the front page of our once-respected NEWSpaper? Yup, Survivor. Crazy. How that is news is beyond me. Sure, in the entertainment section but front page?

I digress. I began watching Survivor with its second season when it took place in Australia. My love was in Australia and was watching and this was yet another way to share something.

And I've been hooked ever since even though there have been a season here and there where I think, Never again!

There are a lot of reasons Survivor is still so popular. Its production value is still very high (try watching the ones who try to copy it and you'll see how bad it can be). They usually succeed in keeping it interesting with the contestant choices, challenges, etc. They're smart enough to usually put it in beautiful places (you don't think that's important until you don't have such a location..... it gets very blah), there's identifying with one tribe or one person and cheering on your team (brilliant move with this new season, separating them by age and gender) and, oh ya, there are those (sometimes and only briefly since rice and water diet with the odd fish or coconut thrown in doesn't exactly keep the healthy curves where they belong) beautiful bodies.

I realized a while back that one of the reasons I enjoy it wasn't so much for the show itself as for GOSSIPING opportunities it provided me.

I don't gossip. Not about friends, coworkers, family members. I just don't. So I never understood that evil little joy you can get when you gossip about others.

Survivor gives me license to gossip. I can tear them down, analyze them, shout at the t.v. at them (did that tonight already and I watch it alone), have heated debates with others about your favorite ones and the villains. And no one gets hurt. The show WANTS that kind of interest and buzz. I do try to keep the gossip all about their behavior on the show itself and not judge them on who they are back in the world. I don't really care about that. It's just plain fun to watch and talk.

While I do know others who watch the show and I do talk with them briefly about each week's show, it's not the same now that my love has died. We had such (FUN!) debates about the various personalities. We were constantly laughing about it because we definitely didn't see eye to eye on everything but he always gave me a perspective I hadn't previously considered and I did the same for him so we ended up learning about each other.

Strange the dumb things you miss and how even the dumb things leave a hole.

I thought of the stupidest things when he died, including regret that he'd miss a certain episode of Lost, would miss the family AR - not that he missed much there - ..... see? really stupid. If he IS somewhere out there still somehow I doubt that missing a t.v. show is on the top of his "what I miss" list.

Then again..... maybe he gets them whenever he wants them. No reruns. No preemptions. No commercials.

Ah yes, THAT must be heaven. ;-)

2006-02-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

THE CONTINUING SAGA OF A MIDDLE-AGED SINGLETON*

*apologies to Helen Fielding

Here I am at 45, my sons are grown, I'm doing okay financially, I no longer have a special person in my life and it's all very interesting.

I had always heard that when a couple divorces, each person from that couple really finds out who their friends are/were. And that was somewhat true for me but I expected it and the real gems in my life stuck around AND some people you never thought you could count on came through in surprising ways. What I didn't expect was the same thing happened when I lost my love last year. That was much more hurtful. But the good ones made up for it in spades. (What does that phrase mean? Do I wanna know?)

Anyway, on to more fun things. I'm not interested in being a hermit nor is celibacy appealing to me. So that means getting myself out there one way or another.

For example, a couple of weeks ago I attended a party put on by a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I knew I'd probably be the only single woman there but that's okay. I ended up having fun, met some new people who were pretty fascinating, found out I still knew how to socialize, something that was in doubt for a while.

I was sitting by myself at one point and a man who I had seen come in with a woman I knew years ago - and who was aware of my single status - came over and sat next to me and started up an enthusiastic discussion. He had overheard me talking to someone else about some things my older son was doing and he was very interested in pursuing some of the same things. He was a nice man and I enjoyed talking with him, not even a hint - in words or body language - of flirting on either side. Well, out of the corner of my eye I noticed his partner watching us quite closely from across the room. And I thought, nah, this can't be happening. I know what I look like and I'm just not someone anyone would ever consider a threat. But she had this whole assessing-the-situation look in her eyes. He and I kept talking.

Soon he got up to refresh his drink and his partner looked at me and said "You know, you look GREAT," which was pretty darn flattering. And she quickly came over and took his chair and blurted out, "He's my man." I had to bite my tongue to keep from bursting out laughing. And I decided I'd just be even more flattered. Very flattered. I responded, smiling, "Yes, I know, I saw you come in with him," and we went on to discussing all sorts of things. He returned with his drink and joined us and it was all very friendly.

I'm still flattered. *grin*

Then there's the whole not wanting to be celibate thing. Which brings up birth control. I'm 45 and menopause is still a ways away for me (judging by my mother's and grandmother's experience) and my need to touch and be touched isn't slowing down any. (Since my last relationship was largely long distance, it meant a lot of physical loneliness even when he was alive. Once he died I thought for quite a while that that part of my life was over, along with so much of the rest of my life. I shut myself off. He would have absolutely hated that.)

So I am seeing someone now and then and I haven't had to think about birth control since my younger son was a baby (he's 20 now) when my ex had a vasectomy. The man in my life after my ex had had a vasectomy many years before. It was sooooo nice not having to worry about that. The man I am seeing now has zero interest in having a vasectomy for his own reasons.

Dang.

Sometimes I wish menopause would hurry up and get here. It could make my life so much simpler. Right? ;-)

2006-01-30T23:32:00.000-08:00

SwampHag and Blogging

Some of you out there know I was pretty much dragged kicking and screaming into the blog world. I just wasn't interested and had reasons to even be somewhat cranky about it all.

Through my work I had to become familiar with them and became a regular blog reader. And I loved those blogs! I've now become an enthusiastic fan and the potential of it all (potential already realized by so many but is just now dawning on me; I can be a bit thick at times) is fascinating to me. I've even become one of those cultists who preach the word to others to suck them into this world. Muahahaha!!!

I'm going to be attending Northern Voice in less than two weeks and I have a bunch of questions and am just plain looking forward to hearing from all the experts who will be talking. A few months ago I couldn't have imagined attending such a meeting. It means a verrrrrry long day for me. I don't care now. I'm going and that's all there is to it.

You know you're really a blogger when EVERYthing in your life, every event, every conversation becomes possible fodder for a future blog entry. I thought I'd be at a loss for ideas to keep this going. Instead I've started jotting down ideas as they come to me and the list is getting longer and now I'm worried I'll never get to them all. Nothing is sacred, from my life to my parents' rather comical foibles. Okay, I'll continue to TRY to allow my sons their privacy and not share their personal issues but we'll see how long I resist THAT. ;-)

Before I say goodnight, I'll take a moment to explain my name, 'SwampHag'. Many many years ago my sons called me that during a lighthearted sparring match in an attempt to insult me. Much to their chagrine I thought the name was so creative and funny that I burst out laughing. (Little did I know it was from a Simpsons episode and NOT their oh so original and creative minds.) And when I needed a name for an online character I was playing in an RPG, SwampHag was my first choice. I made the character stunningly and exotically beautiful because I loved the contrast of that name with a beautiful looking character. (If you ever want a laugh, watch how other online characters will hit on a good-looking female character, as if the person behind the character really is that beautiful. But that's a whole other blog entry. [Hurriedly jots that idea down.]) I am very fond of the name SwampHag so when I needed an anonymous name here, it was easy to go with that one.

G'night!

2006-01-29T23:18:00.000-08:00

THE NATURE OF (my) PAIN

Emotional pain. Physical pain.

I usually succeed in keeping them separate (and would MUCH rather have the physical pain than the emotional pain) but today the line is murky. I've been in an FM flare for a month now and it's tiring day in, day out. I'm worried I'm heading back to when it was agony 24/7 for a decade (no exaggeration). The last few years it's been good enough to notice a difference when it flared for a day or week. This time it's taking its time going away.

Constant pain and fatigue can make me feel very alone and vulnerable at times. So it's not a surprise that my thoughts today have gone to my dearest friend. I miss him so much for so many reasons, including that he probably understood better than anyone how this was for me because he spent so much time with me. I miss his distraction, his laughter, I miss his kindness and patience, I miss his healing touch and soft voice. I miss the look in his eyes when he felt so helpless to make it better. I miss his appreciation of what he considered my bravery.

Hence the intertwining of pains today.

It's very rare that anyone spending time with me would know that I'm hurting. This is less about privacy for me than it is about not allowing myself to walk or move like I'm hurting because it puts me into a mindset that can be self-defeating. I am not this illness, I am not this pain.

Having FM, for me, is like having one of those awful achy flus all the time. Everything hurts. When it's really bad a soft light comforter hurts. A shower hurts. I call it 'losing my shock absorbers'. You know how it feels when you step down a stair and the next step is further down than you had anticipated and it's made of concrete, how it jars your body hard? That's what every step is like. Sitting in a chair hurts. A bed can be your enemy.

Distraction with fun or work or sex - anything interactive - is the best treatment. Aside from that this is how I handle things now, after exhausting all other treatments both traditional and alternative:

I got myself off all pain meds except for the occasional tylenol. I do NOT recommend this to others. It's just what worked for me. I was concerned about the rebound effect (long before they started looking at this re Migraines) and so slooooooowly weaned myself away from painkillers of any kind. It helped.

I take daily calcium, magnesium and Vitamin D to keep the whole body muscle cramps at a distance.

Courtesy of my parents, I got one of those memory foam mattresses. Worth every penny. It doesn't help with the sleeping but at least my bed doesn't actually hurt me anymore. And I keep my room warm to keep the bone chilling cold that can be part of having FM at bay.

Hot showers and hot baths. Bad for my skin (no matter the oil used) but good for the pain.

I move around and exercise regularly, in between periods of rest (sitting at my computer or otherwise).

The most comfortable place for me in my day to day life is at my computer (thank goodness, since I spend so much time here!) because I have a good office chair, keep myself warm and keep my feet up. I sit back, not hunched, arms supported, the keyboard resting partway between my lap and the keyboard shelf.

I got rid of the ongoing stress in my life. That meant totally changing my life, including getting out of an unhealthy marriage. I just don't sweat the small stuff and keep my exposure to toxic people at a minimum and use humor to get me through. And most of the time I succeed in living one day at a time. Let the future worry about itself.

In another life I hiked, skiied, biked, swam. I remember those days fondly but don't pine for them. That was another me. And before and after the FM settled in for good thirteen years ago I have been the parent who taught my sons how to ride bikes, who attempted to play basketball with one of them, who coached t-ball, etc.

The saddest thing for me is that, though I do everything I can not to have this impact my sons because I am NOT my illness and didn't want them to see me that way, my younger son, at 20, has no real memory of me before the FM.

But it's not all negative. In fact there are a LOT of positives.

Pain is a great teacher.

Since everything has a price in pain and fatigue, you really figure out what is important to you and that's what you spend your energy on. Needless to say housework isn't high on that list other than me keeping it simple. Time with friends, sons, having fun, traveling, having new adventures, IS important.

And having FM brought me to the internet. I could no longer work outside the home and found myself feeling very isolated and useless. The internet brought me work I thoroughly enjoy and feel is worthwhile and which lead to me finding the strength to end my marriage, brought me new friendships, brought me love which lead to adventure, fun, travel and great joy.

Pain teaches you patience. Patience can lead to inner serenity.

As can journaling, apparently. Writing this out was an exercise in self pity and I'm sorry to subject you readers to it. But it has genuinely helped me as it brought me back to the positives, to the good things in my life, and I've regained my emotional equilibrium again.

Thanks for listening! I promise I'll lighten things up and keep things shorter next time.

2006-01-28T23:39:00.000-08:00

PRECIOUS ONE

I am fortunate to have some wonderful friendships with amazing people, both online and in the 3D world. Those friendships are very precious to me.

My best friend has been my best friend for almost 29 years. We met in highschool and, despite being VERY different in many ways, it stuck. I am so grateful to have her in my life and would do anything for her and I know she feels the same about me. We have seen each other through so much in one another's lives and there have been many times when we each have dropped everything - night or day - to be there for the other and I expect there will be more such times in the future.

When I hurt, she hurts. When she hurts, I hurt.

And she's hurting right now. My best friend is the most giving person I have ever met and she works harder and with more integrity to be the best mother/wife/friend/daughter/worker than anyone I know. I just wanna go and shake the people that are creating the hurt and smack 'em and tell them to smarten up already.

But I can't do that. It wouldn't help (okay, it would make ME feel good for a minute or two or three....) and would probably just make things worse. So the only thing I can do is be a listening ear, be a shoulder, make her laugh, distract her for just a little while, and let her cry if that's what she needs. Getting her drunk is another option to consider.....

One of my favorite fantasies is of one day winning the lottery (it would help if I bought tickets more than once in a blue moon but hey, this is fantasyland) and I know that the first thing I'd do is give to her so her life would be easier. (Okay, after I get the saltwater pool complete with pool boy, that is. ;-)

I've decided that neither one of us can die before the other because I don't think we can imagine life without the other. So we either go together (maybe tandem skydiving sans parachute?) or we figure out a way to stick around forever.

Now I just have to break that to my sons. *LOL* Poor things will never be rid of me.

2006-01-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

DATING? WHO, ME?

Part of moving on and living a life is forming new relationships, romantic or otherwise.

I'm a huge fan(atic) of the Gilmore Girls. There was an episode back in its third or fourth season, Rory's college freshman year, when Lorelei told Rory that she/Rory had never dated. She'd had relationships but had never dated. No wonder Rory was nervous about her first real date.

Well, I realized recently that I, at 45, have never dated. I, too, have had relationships but no dates. Now, within those relationships, I have been on wonderful 'dates' with my S.O. but I've never dated where that was part of the getting-to-know-you (dare I say 'courting'?) phase.

So I'm kinda looking forward to that if I ever get the chance. And that won't be soon. I have recently formed a friendship (okay, maybe a bit more than a friendship but I don't see it being a longterm romance - I am definitely not ready for such a thing - and neither does he) that quickly settled in to regular phone calls and hanging out with each other but it's not really 'dating'. And that's fine.

This casual relationship began at my instigation. I had known of him for years as he is a good friend of another friend of mine. When my friend was losing her partner to cancer, this man did some incredibly kind things that still move me to this day. So I've thought for a couple of years that he would be someone I would like to know under any circumstances. So when I was hurting and lonely and knew he was doing the same (having been through a divorce) I thought we could keep each other company now and then, see a movie, that kind of thing. I cleared it with my friend, got his phone number from her, and called him last November. Now, I don't think much of my looks but I've never let that stop me from this kind of thing but I still can't believe I had the guts to do this. I always figure 'what have I got to lose?' - maybe a bit of dignity but I can survive that and the payoffs can be great. I've often made new friends (and I do mean just friends) this way.

(Side note: I don't provide my mother with a lot of personal information about my life. This is necessary in our relationship. So she knows very little about this new man. Tonight I let slip that I had been the one to call him first and she was truly horrified and told me 'men don't like that'. *LOL*)

I also learned after our first meeting that I am a flirt. Sorta. I saw a Dr. Phil episode where he advised single women on how to behave on a first date and his advice was pretty much everything I do naturally.... looking them in the eye, being interested in them, laughing, being open in discussions about anything, etc., etc. No wonder he responded so well. *grin* Who knew? (By the way, I'm like that with anyone.)

So here I am in a friendly relationship with a nice man - a relationship that has boosted my confidence like nothing else could have - but still dateless. I plan on continuing pushing myself out of my comfort zones and pursuing interests/hobbies so who knows who I may meet? There may be hope for me yet. ;-)

(Stay tuned for my list of things I've learned I want and don't want in a potential partner; thanks to this man, my ex-husband, and my lost love, I think I'm finally figuring that out.)

2006-01-24T23:45:00.000-08:00

STEPPING OUTSIDE THE BOX

I'm torn tonight between writing what I intended or bitching about my allergies which are again out of control. Hmmm.....

The picture above - taken by my best friend - is too beautiful to sully with my bitching.

Last fall I decided that 2006 would be all about changing my environment and stepping outside the box. For years my financial and creative focus has been on financial survival, raising my sons, then on my relationship with my dearest friend, seeing him, etc. This year it's all about revamping, reenergizing my life, getting myself ready for the next phase of my life, whatever that will be. I'm someone who actually follows through on 'New Year's resolutions' (no matter when in the year I make 'em) so here's the start of my list for this year:

Repainting and redecorating my livingroom, diningroom, entrance and hallway, totally changing the look of the area. Check.
We're about two-thirds of the way through on that. Some retiling will be done later in the year to other areas of my home.

Putting more art and pictures on the walls. I grew up in a home where such things were considered clutter and it's taken me a while to break away from that and start finding my own way. It was never a conscious thing; it was just so ingrained in me that it never occurred to me to do things differently.
Check.
I've had some scenic pictures from my travels blown up and framed (one of which, taken on the west coast of Vancouver Island this past September, is above) to make me smile as I move around my home, plus I've got some Ansel Adams prints (I love black and white photos) being framed to be hung up on my newly painted walls.

Getting a massage. That's right, I've never had one before. (Never had a manicure or pedicure either.) Body issues, sexual abuse issues and just having FM - read: can hurt to be touched - among other things, have made me shy away until now. I don't like it when I don't do something simply out of fear so I've got an appointment booked for later in February.

Going to go on at least an intro flight in a glider/tow plane. Many years ago, in another life, I took lessons and soloed in an ultralight and I was a natural. But my favorite moment was during one lesson, towards the end of a summer's day with the sun going down over the fields and surrounding mountains, the instructor turned off the engine and we just glided on the air currents for a long time. No noise but wind and my own breath. It was magical. That's when I knew I wanted to try gliding. If I like it and can afford it, I may take lessons.

Going on an intro sailing day. I've never sailed and doubt I could really do it on a regular basis and I don't know if I'll even like it but I've become interested in the last year or two and figure it's time.

There's more, some more mundane, some about road trips to see friends, but enough here for now.

It should be an interesting year. :-)

2006-01-23T23:19:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am, FINALLY starting a blog. I finally caved to the pressure. ;-)

Before there's any confusion, this blog is NOT about 'life after death' in the whole Medium, Ghost Whisperer kind of way. (Get used to it; I am a t.v. watcher.)

What this IS about is how a person - namely, me - goes on to rebuild a life after a devastating loss.

I have journaled the first half year of grieving elsewhere, privately in a hand-written (gasp!) journal and on public message boards. It's likely I'll share some of that here as time goes on but not tonight. I don't want to go back to that headspace right now.

Suffice it to say that on June 28th, 2005 I lost my dearest friend and greatest love to a sudden heart attack. We had known and loved each other for 8 1/2 years and though we lived on separate continents for a variety of reasons, we talked at length numerous times each and every day and saw each other for extended periods whenever we could. We laughed and loved and saw each other through some very difficult times. In all those years we never ran out of things to say, never stopped being eager to be in one another's presence, online or real world, never stopped missing one another if we were out of touch for a few days, never lost the excitement. His death, just as we were booking our next trip together, left an enormous hole in my life.

And here's where I wish I WAS psychic, wish that there is a life beyond this world after we die, wish I could at least dream of him and find some consolation. Other people do. But me? Nope. Nada. Zip. After many years of constant and vivid dreams and nightmares (typical when one has fibromyalgia) I can't conjure up a dream to save my life.

I didn't want to go on without him. I didn't understand why I should.

But here I am, still here after the nightmarish holidays, still putting one foot in front of the other. And sometimes reluctantly, sometimes eagerly, discovering that there really IS a life after death. That I can still laugh. That I can still feel. That I can still create things to look forward to.

In a way - and I'll explain this more fully one day - his death freed me and now, at 45, I am starting to feel that the adventure is just beginning.

At least that's how I feel on a good day. He would have loved that.