Saturday, March 04, 2006

You know you're in trouble when.... google 'horoscope' hoping to find some good news for your life out there. What's really bad is that each horoscope site I went to had gloomy news. *LOL* I thought these places were supposed to tell you what you wanted to hear!?! Hmmmph!

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Been reeeeeally busy and struggling emotionally and physically. I was going to continue to stay away because I really have nothing worthwhile to say but then I kicked myself and reminded myself that it's when I am most tempted to withdraw and hide is when I most need to write out my feelings and/or share.

Things are going well in many ways. I've really got nothing to complain about. A bit worried about some issues with my sons. But that's about it in terms of day to day life. Work is going okay. Some continued renovating in my home are going okay. I'm blessed with my sons. I have a roof over my head. We've had some sunshine. I even visited a lovely blue heron reserve not too far from here, one of the smaller things on my list for this year.

Okay, so the FM pain has been flaring again. And I usually don't sleep during the week. I sleep on weekends only because I take something to make me sleep but they're not meds that can be taken on a regular basis (nor do I want to as their hangover effect is icky) so I'm out of luck the rest of the week. About six weeks ago I took myself off the last regular med I took, the only med I was taking for FM (for the sleep disorder part of the condition, not the pain), suspecting I was allergic to it. (Yes, I discussed this with my doctor.) I think I was right. But that means poorer sleep than ever, between that and the pain.

My on again/off again friendship with a man is.... who knows? It confuses me and every time I think I have a handle on how to handle it all within myself, I end up getting insecure all over again. This isn't even about the man/woman relationship. It is about friendship and, due to some other experiences with another friend, I have a lot of inner doubts about my worthiness as a friend.

But mostly I'm just unbearably lonely. Just about everything is triggering me missing my Aussie friend and reinforcing my belief that that was it for me. That I have a very long life ahead of me to spend alone and unloved and never being special to anyone again.

Maybe it's just PMS and I'll be fine in another couple of days. For decades PMS wasn't an issue for me at all. Okay, except for general clumsiness and a heightened sex drive (I have to be the only woman whose partners actually looked forward to that time of the month *chuckle*). That's not the case the last year or two. Blech.

Enough of this. Self pity parties are no fun without the booze.

Speaking of which.... my best friend is coming over this Thursday and staying the night. We both need some girl time. Some drunken girl time. With nachos.


Blogger Shelly said...

Oh my friend you are soo worthy of friendship and you are such a wonderful friend please don't question yourself on that.

Hugs to you, drink some booze for me on Thursday night please :)

10:53 AM  

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