Sunday, March 12, 2006

Ready or not

Things aren't working out so well with the casual dating I've been doing with a gentleman in my area and I've been left feeling lonelier than ever on the weekends especially, despite pursuing my own life in other areas. I am still not looking for a big time relationship, just someone to go out with now and then, talk on the phone with now and then.

Sooooooo...... I went looking at an online dating service. I deliberately chose one that isn't all about getting married (but no, not any of the ones that were just about 'hooking up' either).

Interesting. Discouraging. Surreal. Humorous. All rolled into one.

And they kind of draw you in so the next thing you know, ready or not it seems, you're creating your own profile. I chose not to include a pic. Most women don't, at least at the site I was on, and I'm not surprised. It's less about being shy about myself personally as the idea of everyone in my neighborhood knowing I'm looking, etc. (I've seen enough on message boards where people, both men and women, talk about looking on those sites to see who in their neighborhood is looking, just for fun. Ha ha. ;-P) Nothing to be embarassed about but also not something I want to broadcast, ya know?

I shared I had fibromyalgia. I shared I'm anything but svelt.

And I sent a note to one and received a note from another.

Setting myself up for all sorts of new ways to be rejected. ;-)

Meanwhile, my gentleman friend is still interested in his own way too. Sorta. *rollseyes* He's very mixed up in his own life and does a lot of pull me closer, push me away and I think I'd rather just be friends for a variety of reasons.

And sometimes I just wanna crawl into a hole and hide. This all feels too hard, takes too much energy. I don't know that I'm ready but I tend to jump into things before I'm ready and let the chips fall where they may. If I sit around thinking too much about it all (whatever the 'it' happens to be at any point in my life) it gets too scary and I'll talk myself out of taking chances.

So here I am, acutely aware of what I've lost and how long it's been since I last saw my Australian friend, and jumping feet first into the water anyway.



Blogger Shadow said...

Online dating service! You have so much courage! The thought of trying one has crossed my mind once or twice [well ok, actually more than that] but I have never taken that jump.

4:39 PM  
Blogger SwampHag said...

Hi Shadow!

I guess I figured I have nothing to lose really. I've heard of so many people who met others through such services. It's safe. You don't have to respond to anyone if you don't want. Any correspondence is done through their own system until you're ready to share your own with a particular person. You don't have to post a picture.

The biggest 'danger', at least for me, is dealing with any perceived rejection if no one is interested. And maybe some personal embarassment that no one except those reading my blog need to know about. ;-)

4:46 PM  

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