Weary Wanderings

It's been a hellofa week. Hellofa couple of weeks. Month. Year(s).

Sleep is at a premium. The FM pain is always there. Emotionally drained. So forgive any incoherence. Just need to wander tonight.

The other shoe was never supposed to drop, Shelly, let alone like this. My thoughts are with you.

I hurt for the co-workers who are themselves hurting, facing scary health issues in friends and family.

Worried about my best friend who demands so much of herself and gives so much of herself and is stressed to the max..... still..... again......

Sad about some issues at work, connections to be lost.

Need a break from work but not yet. Maybe in a few weeks. We're all working our tails off. Okay, maybe not MY tail off..... I wish. ;-)

My older son is buying an engagement ring and hopes to marry this year if she says 'yes' when he asks her within the next few weeks. (They've been together, on and off, for many years.) That took the wind out of my sails a bit. *chuckle* But though there are reasons to have some reservations about this, for the most part I'm happy for his happiness. Just getting used to the idea of it happening so fast.

I may be taking myself off the online dating service. It hasn't been an awful experience but I realized I really wasn't ready and was putting myself out there under false pretenses. Everyone out there is looking for THE ONE. I am not. I realized I wasn't ready because of the fear I felt at the thought of anyone actually being more than a little interested.

And I realized that part of the push (aside from the desperate need to fill the loneliness) for signing up in the first place was the feeling I had that everyone around me is ready for me to move on. That was MY perception, no one (okay, no one except my father who was pretty cruel to me a few weeks back but that's not really unusual) said anything of the sort. It wasn't until my older son learned of my interest in a dating service yesterday and just looked at me and said, "but you're not ready, it's too soon, you're too vulnerable" and I felt such relief, that I had this realization.

I've got some work to do on my self-esteem. I am settling for a rather bizarre and one-sided friendship with a man because I feel I don't deserve better in a friendship or anything else for that matter. I've 'settled' for a LOT in my life. For always coming second.... or last. I fight that within myself. Some days I succeed better than others.

There is a temptation to entirely withdraw, to hide myself away in the inviting darkness. I'll keep fighting that too and work on finding a balance. I keep going through the motions, do a lot of self-nurturing and always look for reasons to smile or excuses to laugh.

April 1st. My love died June 28, 2005 but the last time I actually saw him, the last time I looked into his eyes, the last time we held each other and kissed, the last time I felt his breath on my face and touched his soft hair, was April 1, 2004, in that airport in Sydney. Every time I had to say goodbye to him I thought it would be the last (he used to affectionately chide me about that) and it was always heart-wrenching. This time it really was the last.

I still cry often. I ache with the missing of him. I am sad and tired of being so sad. And becoming (thankfully) resigned to the loneliness.

Today I bought a small painted chest to put all mementos and pics and music and letters into. Not to hide him away but to put him in a special place within reach but at the same time giving myself more space to heal, taking the next step that feels right.

I feel like I'm doing so much worse than I was a few months ago. I guess grief is like that, it's not a smooth road and we sometimes go backwards.

I am j u s t s o w e a r y.