Wanted: One Sense of Humor

My mother will sometimes go on the attack and she's been doing so lately. When I call her on it, when I don't appreciate her insults, I'm told "Your ex was right; you DON'T have a sense of humor".

Now, I don't think I'm the funniest person in the world but I do enjoy a laugh and enjoy being a clown and making my friends laugh. (One of my greatest joys in life was how easily and often I could make Michael laugh, and others since him.) I can usually find something funny in any situation and where I am in my life (this blog - at least lately - notwithstanding ;-). But for many years I bought into my ex's view of me in this regard.

It took me a long time to realize I actually DID have a sense of humor; I just don't appreciate jokes that put others down nor do I like insults against ME said under the guise of a 'joke'. The only two people who have accused me of not having a sense of humor are my ex and my mother. It's a pretty consistent accusation on their part. (My father and brother probably have the same view but don't say it.) I don't buy it anymore.

At least not completely. I do wonder though and, as is usual for me, something like this will cause some introspection. Because we're often the last ones to know and admit to ourselves the failings everyone else sees. And I may just be in denial.

I DO think I'm oversensitive some of the time to simple lighthearted teasing. I'm not talking about my mother or ex who do/did it meanly with the purpose of hurting me. I'm talking about those I know to love me and are just doing some light joshing. Sometimes I can take it, laugh, give it back and all is fine. Other times - often when I'm tired or in pain or otherwise down for too long - it's a bit harder even while I understand no ill intent is meant.

And I've wondered why that is. Why is it so easy for my best friend and not for me? She and her family joke a lot with each other. It's a nice thing and fun to watch. And I realized what the difference was/is. She grew up with parents who adored and supported her and who do to this day. It was safe for her.

For me, 'jokes' and laughter were so often used to attack and put me down, and that continued in my marriage until I finally smartened up. And yet *I* wasn't allowed to be a goof or clown because that was embarassing to them. Took me a while to free myself from that one.

I hate realizing now that there is still a legacy like this but hey, with awareness comes growth and healing. :-)

Oh, and re my mother.... I'm currently screening my calls. ;-)