Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Lost.... and Found

Thank goodness for friends. Real friends. Friends who tell you what you need to hear even if it's not always what you want or are ready to hear. Certainly my best friend falls into this category and I am blessed with a few others as well.

Last night after a few emails back and forth with a friend who also knew my Michael, I was reminded of so many things. It was like a splash of (much-needed) cold water though I don't think it was intended as such. The splash came with a lot of caring and concern and I needed to hear it all.

The result was some epiphanies....

  • Lately, I've been so focused on all I've lost that I forgot all I had. I said the words of gratitude but wasn't really feeling it. I feel it again, through and through. If this was it for me, it's enough.
  • I lost my way for a while there. Without him there to affirm me, and with a few extra hits from life from other directions, allllllll my past issues reared their ugly heads. But that's just it..... he just affirmed me, he did not define my worth. His loving me is not what made me worthwhile. I was worthy in the first place and that's why he loved me.
  • Michael was someone who made every person he interacted with - not just me - feel special. He always focused on their strengths and brought out the best in people. People left him feeling better about themselves. This was true in his work, in his daily interactions, and in his friendships. When I would get down on myself he would call me on that and get all logical on me (much to my annoyance at times) and remind me of all the things I have overcome and accomplished in my life. It always picked me up and I'd end up laughing at myself. He's not here to do that anymore so I have to do that for myself. I won't list those here, they're for me only, but just thinking about them has reminded me of why he so admired and loved me.
  • He believed I had great courage. And though I retained it for a few months after he died, I lost it for a while there. It's back again. I'm feeling calm and clear and ready to live again. Alone or otherwise, it doesn't matter. I know I'm going to falter now and then and that's okay. I won't lose my footing for so long again.
  • I learned so much from him (as he learned from me) and I won't let all that go to waste. What I learned from him has carried me through a lot of things even after he died. His life still informs mine.

Losing Michael has been unbearably painful. I also lost myself and that lead to darkness and despair.

But I'm found now.

Thank you, Michael. Thank you, my friends.


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