Where did I go?

Well, that's a loaded question if ever there was one. On the surface, I can make a list on what's been keeping me busy. Deeper still, I do wonder where I have gone. The woman Michael loved appears to be gone. I can't find her anymore. It's not just his death but, it seems, hit after hit after hit the last year combined with almost nonstop, debilitating pain. I used to be brave. I used to be able to find laughter in anything. Now it's all forced. I feel very beaten down and I know darn well I don't have it any worse than anyone else and I even have it considerably better than most. I carry on, day by day, because there is no alternative and there is the small hope that, eventually, that will move me forward and find new reasons to laugh.

Okay, the above is the main reason I stopped blogging. And I just don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say at all. I feel like a fucking whiner and I really hate that.

Because the truth is, it hasn't been all bad. All of the above is true, BUT it's also true that I have a lovely new daughter-in-law and we're getting along great. I have a great best friend. My sons are in my life. Other friends have been kind in sweet and surprising ways. I have a roof over my head and the means to keep it there. I know all that too.

So, some of the things going on since last I wrote, right after my son's wedding:

• Work work work. Lots of it and there's no sign of it letting up. And changes in my job are coming; some of it's exciting, some of it makes me genuinely sad because I think I'll be losing the best (to me) part of my job. Not all bad but I'm tired. I'd go away if I could afford to, if I had someone to go with, and/or I had someplace to go. Eventually, I will start traveling alone but I want to be able to afford to do it as a single person and I'm not there yet.
• I am sleeping better more often now. I've even begun to dream after well over a year of no dreams. I think that's a good sign, especially as none of them have been scary (something that can be very common with FM), just pleasant, nonsensical NORMAL dreams. It's not great and I'm still tired but it's significantly better than it was.
• Issues with my mother and each of my sons, which I think I'll blog about separately one day. When I'm ready to talk about paranoia, dementia, the need to control, religious fanaticism, and depression.
• My 46th birthday was last week. I'd been dreading it for various reasons (not the aging thing; couldn't care less about that) but I reached out to those around me and they came through and I ended up having a really great birthday week that has left me smiling but exhausted. I'll share more about that another day too.
• I've had some more dates, off and on. More attention from others. It's been interesting how differently each of my sons handle that. One is absolutely cool with it. One is not (which I find pretty funny sometimes). I'll share more on that another time too.
• I created a website with the wedding pics and they turned out really beautiful. They're not the usual formal pics but, instead, really captured who THEY are and their happiness. I wish I could share them here but I've always avoid sharing any info that would infringe on my sons' privacy. We did a thank you tea (yes, I live in a place where we have exquisite tea houses along with all the coffee places) for the ladies who helped with the decorating, etc., and that was nice.
• I've been reading and enjoying the new t.v. season. Playing World of Warcraft very little these days because I simply don't have time and/or need to get the hell away from the computer when I can to get a real break. (So what am I doing here? ;-) )

On that note, it's time I went to bed. I hope this entry is the start of some more regular writing here.