Thursday, February 09, 2006


Rejection comes in so many guises.

There are the more blatant kinds we all recognize and have all been through at one time or another. Not getting that job you interviewed for. Not getting picked for that team or role. Not getting that date you pursued. Being left in a relationship.

There are the more subtle kinds.... parents choosing a sibling's wellbeing over yours, parents rejecting who you are in a million and one ways, friends who turn from you when you most need them.

Death. Yes, even though your thinking brain tells you otherwise, death feels like a rejection of you. (Because it is so all about you, after all.) Like you were so not worthy of being loved that death was chosen as the alternative. It's not true but that's how you feel. You feel LEFT. And you're hurt and you're angry. Not feeling him when he left felt like a rejection of the connection we had. Not dreaming of him once he's gone feels like I wasn't good enough for him to make an effort to provide me with a reassuring vision.

At one point a few months ago I felt I was doing everything 'right' and couldn't figure out why I was getting angrier. I was in little girl mode and was sulking. Here I'd been a brave little soldier and done everything 'right', grieved with grace, took care of myself, honored his memory, yada yada yada. And yet he was STILL ignoring me. No vision. No presence felt. No acknowledgement of my efforts.

No resurrection.

Just bitter emptiness beneath the moonlight reflecting on the ocean. I will always remember the physical beauty of that night. I will always remember my best friend standing next to me, trying to witness what I was feeling. I will always remember, with aching clarity, how I felt that night. I think that was the night I finally faced that final rejection.

Today I felt rejected again when a friend returning from weeks out of town, when our relationship was still a bit ambiguous, didn't call me. I'd told myself he had a lot to contend with upon his return, personal, work, jet lag. I wouldn't be high on that list so it may take days for a call, if at all.

I don't expect much from this friendship. But it still felt like yet another rejection for me.

I move through the world with confidence. I act like I have it all together. And it's not all a lie. A lot of the time I AM confident and do have it all together. But I guess we're all contradictions and we're all the product of our pasts, try as we might to learn and grow and move on.

So when I felt only slightly rejected again I immediately went back inside my head to the comfortable negative thoughts, born of more significant rejections. I'm not worthy of a call. I'm not worthy of a friendship. I am inherently unloveable and deserving of punishment and I can point to many things in my life that prove that nice little theory.

I do know different. I even find such thoughts disgustingly melodramatic. But there they are.

My love hated it when I thought like this. He helped to remind myself of all I've accomplished, all I've had to deal with in my life, all I've overcome. And reminded me of the love of my friends and sons and himself. I am fortunate in my friends. But if that's the case, I must be worthy of their friendship and regard. He would always get all logical on me. Hmmmph. And it worked. And I usually ended up laughing at myself.

Which is where I got to tonight again. Fickle friends only complicate one's life anyway. And I'm just starting to enjoy my life again. Who needs 'em? (Baby SwampHag just piped up in a little voice "I do".....Hush!)

I hate learning sometimes. But with each of these experiences I get stronger.

What makes me happy is that I got to an okay place on my own BEFORE he called. Really. Because yup, he did call to check in with me. It wasn't even a rejection in the first place, just my own mind working itself up, preparing myself for the inevitable hurt to come.

Didn't I say on my 'list' that baggage was okay but be sure to have dealt with it, etc.? Methinks I need to do a better job practicing what I preach (and what I expect in others). *blush*


Post a Comment

<< Home