Peace

The past weekend was difficult for a few reasons, including my grandmother dieing on Friday at the age of 92. I was not close to her and I know this is what she wanted and everyone should die in their sleep after a long life of relative good health but I'm sorry she died alone. (She had visitors often but died in the few short hours in between visits.) I have real issues with the idea of those I love dieing alone. (It's one of the reasons Touching the Void is one of my favorite films, because it addresses that more eloquently than I ever could.) It seems that everyone I have lost has died alone, many suddenly with no opportunity to say goodbye. When I have had the opportunity to say all I needed to say, it's been much much much easier.

My grandmother was not a happy woman and I hope she is finally at peace now. Everyone deserves that. And I hope my mother can start to heal from some of her own pain but I have reasons to doubt that and I'm sorry for that too. I'm supporting my mother, talking with her often, and offered to go with her to the funeral in Ontario but she's chosen not to go for a few reasons including some health issues.

My grandmother's death, supporting a friend who is facing a devastating loss, and some other things going on triggered a lot of issues for me for me regarding my family and regarding Michael. I'm tired of being sad. It's always there, just sometimes it's safely behind walls that are more solid than at other times.

But I'm sorting it out and will regain my balance again. I always do.