Friday, June 30, 2006

Okay, now that I've got THAT out of my system.....

Here's some pics I took today of my house and views from here. It was a pretty day.

We have a corner lot. In the spring the red-leaved trees (they're flowering plum trees) along the side all bloom with strong pink blossoms. Weeks later the flowering cherry tree at the front blooms lighter pink, along with all the others in the subdivision. May can be a magical month because of this and the roads and yards become covered in the petals.

Closer view of our front door:

View from our street of Mt. Baker (I love having fields in the valley below us; they are ever-changing and very calming):

Finally, a view of Mt. Baker from my back porch:

Roller coasters

I LOVE roller coasters.

I love the new ones that take you from 0-60 (or faster) in two seconds. I love the loops. I love the speed.

I especially love wooden roller coasters. I love it that they're starting to build NEW wooden roller coasters for we wooden rollercoaster afficiandos. Love the rougher ride. Love the anticipation of that first big drop.

But I hate hate HATE this emotional roller coaster I've been on.

At work I'm okay. Better than okay, I think. Getting lots accomplished as it's been super busy. I'm okay with my sons, thank goodness.

Beyond that, lots happening lately, little I've written about for a variety of reasons. I'm a mess. Emotions all over the damn map. Not handling it well. Acting out in ways I haven't pursued for a very long time (got a rein on that now I think). It's been a couple of scary and stupid weeks.

So, I just wanna say:


Get over yourself and find your damn balance and get the hell off the ride!

It's time to behave like a grownup.

Friday, June 23, 2006

A year this coming week

Looking at pictures I shouldn't.

Listening to 'our' music for the first time since you died.
Oh my god.


Bent double in unbelievable pain still.
Ridiculous amount of tears.
All the rest feels as pretense.
I've learned to build walls and distract.
How to cry easily and then move on with the day.
Haven't learned to listen to music again.
Nothing real except my sons.
Left behind.

I know there's no 'why'
but I want to ask for the why.
Though I know I don't deserve to know.


Always alone. Again. Still.

Je t'aimais, je t'aime et je t'aimerais.


Monday, June 19, 2006

I guess an explanation is in order

My life's been busy lately, what with one thing or another. And I guess that IS what it is... a LIFE. Spending time with friends, with my sons, with family. Sharing favorite anime and dvd series with each other. Going out for walks. Having fun. Exercising. Keeping busy with work. Getting some work done around my house.

Life goes on.

I let my subscription to an online dating service run out. I'm just not in that place yet and I'm fine with that. If and when I am ready and no one is in my life, I wouldn't hesitate to try such services again. In the meantime, I have a couple of men in my life with whom I can talk and laugh and that's nice.

I got back in touch with an old friend and it's good to have her back in my life on a regular basis again.

My older son and his fiance may be getting married early September. Short notice, I know, especially considering they haven't actually nailed down a date yet. If they don't do it then, they won't get a chance until next summer. They want a wedding complete with all their friends and family which means a fairly big celebration. (For a while they were thinking December but her college schedule really makes that almost impossible.) So that's been interesting and fun to help to figure out. The good news is they both are very clear in their own minds that it's the marriage that matters, not the wedding itself. They'll be fine though I expect we'll all be a bit breathless by the time this is over. *laugh*

My unwind time at the end of the night, when I usually would blog, has been taken up by something new. I finally succumbed to my younger son's and a friend's pleading to try World of Warcraft. I'd put it off for a verrrrrry long time for various reasons, not the least of which I wasn't ready to be in another online RPG since a different one was one of the many things Michael and I shared and I couldn't face his absence. It's okay now though. And I'm having fun picking flowers and killing monsters. *grin* Though I have friends in the game I tend to play more by myself, dawdling along late at night at my own pace, taking forever to level up. The game is rich enough to allow for any kind of gamer. (Thanks to the friend who, quite a while ago, gave me the game. Were it not for her I probably wouldn't have tried it at all.)

And I'm very very aware that it's nearing a year since Michael died. Not sure how I'll be that day. But that's another entry for another day.

So, anyway, if you don't see me here too often anymore, it's because I'm out living my life..... okay, or playing WoW, but that's almost the same thing, right? ;-)

Thanks to all who encouraged me to do this. For professional and personal reasons, it's been a valuable experience for me.