Friday, March 31, 2006

Weary Wanderings

It's been a hellofa week. Hellofa couple of weeks. Month. Year(s).

Sleep is at a premium. The FM pain is always there. Emotionally drained. So forgive any incoherence. Just need to wander tonight.

The other shoe was never supposed to drop, Shelly, let alone like this. My thoughts are with you.

I hurt for the co-workers who are themselves hurting, facing scary health issues in friends and family.

Worried about my best friend who demands so much of herself and gives so much of herself and is stressed to the max..... still..... again......

Sad about some issues at work, connections to be lost.

Need a break from work but not yet. Maybe in a few weeks. We're all working our tails off. Okay, maybe not MY tail off..... I wish. ;-)

My older son is buying an engagement ring and hopes to marry this year if she says 'yes' when he asks her within the next few weeks. (They've been together, on and off, for many years.) That took the wind out of my sails a bit. *chuckle* But though there are reasons to have some reservations about this, for the most part I'm happy for his happiness. Just getting used to the idea of it happening so fast.

I may be taking myself off the online dating service. It hasn't been an awful experience but I realized I really wasn't ready and was putting myself out there under false pretenses. Everyone out there is looking for THE ONE. I am not. I realized I wasn't ready because of the fear I felt at the thought of anyone actually being more than a little interested.

And I realized that part of the push (aside from the desperate need to fill the loneliness) for signing up in the first place was the feeling I had that everyone around me is ready for me to move on. That was MY perception, no one (okay, no one except my father who was pretty cruel to me a few weeks back but that's not really unusual) said anything of the sort. It wasn't until my older son learned of my interest in a dating service yesterday and just looked at me and said, "but you're not ready, it's too soon, you're too vulnerable" and I felt such relief, that I had this realization.

I've got some work to do on my self-esteem. I am settling for a rather bizarre and one-sided friendship with a man because I feel I don't deserve better in a friendship or anything else for that matter. I've 'settled' for a LOT in my life. For always coming second.... or last. I fight that within myself. Some days I succeed better than others.

There is a temptation to entirely withdraw, to hide myself away in the inviting darkness. I'll keep fighting that too and work on finding a balance. I keep going through the motions, do a lot of self-nurturing and always look for reasons to smile or excuses to laugh.

April 1st. My love died June 28, 2005 but the last time I actually saw him, the last time I looked into his eyes, the last time we held each other and kissed, the last time I felt his breath on my face and touched his soft hair, was April 1, 2004, in that airport in Sydney. Every time I had to say goodbye to him I thought it would be the last (he used to affectionately chide me about that) and it was always heart-wrenching. This time it really was the last.

I still cry often. I ache with the missing of him. I am sad and tired of being so sad. And becoming (thankfully) resigned to the loneliness.

Today I bought a small painted chest to put all mementos and pics and music and letters into. Not to hide him away but to put him in a special place within reach but at the same time giving myself more space to heal, taking the next step that feels right.

I feel like I'm doing so much worse than I was a few months ago. I guess grief is like that, it's not a smooth road and we sometimes go backwards.

I am j u s t s o w e a r y.

Saturday, March 25, 2006

I did it!

Well, I had THE DREADED MASSAGE yesterday and it wasn't so dreadful. *sheepishgrin*

The masseuse was a sweetheart and many of my concerns simply became nonissues. She was professional and friendly and very skilled and I felt very safe.

However, it definitely didn't help the FM pain and sometimes hurt while there (too long lying in one position or another - FM really should be called 'The PrincessAndThePea Syndrome' because of the feelings of pain from the most innocuous things - or due to the massaging itself though she was gentle and ALWAYS instantly eased up if I said anything about it hurting. Thankfully, it didn't seem to kick me into a worse flare than I'm already experiencing so no harm, no foul.

My grief was triggered right from the start and throughout for a few reasons. She was very understanding of the tears and I know it's not unusual but I'm still feeling very lost and vulnerable today and don't like it. I probably should just allow myself to feel the feelings but I'm fighting them and trying to get on with my day.

So no fears anymore but I also didn't get the "wow! what took me so long? I'll have to do this more often now!" epiphany I was half expecting. I may go for another one in the future, but probably do the chair thing to hopefully lessen the pain. The pampering/caring itself was VERY nice.

Thanks to my best friend for facilitating this experience.

Now, on to the next endeavor. Aside from getting some practical things done around the house, I'll be looking into the tow plane/glider experience. :-)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Revamping Surroundings

I've always designed and decorated our own homes (and we lived in quite a few) so this isn't new to me though it's been a while (1992) since I last did it. (And it's been a long time since I had any disposable income. For years it was all about surviving and raising my sons and then traveling with my Aussie friend.)

What IS new to me is decorating for just ME. I have no one else to consider or please. It's all about ME.

And I'm loving it.

A couple of years ago I had my family room and kitchen repainted to some stronger colors and got a new carpet for the family room. This past January my younger son and my boarder repainted my living & dining rooms, plus entrance and hall. The look is entirely different than it had been in the past, pretty dramatic and warm at the same time.

I grew up in a home that wasn't 'cluttered' with much on the walls, one proper painting per wall, no photos on the walls, etc. It's actually been a very hard thing for me to break away from, that I could do it differently. (I really have to thank my best friend for providing an example of the possibilities.) I've done it a bit here and there (always expecting and receiving the disparagement of my mother for my choices) but have really and finally broken free this year.

So now I have beautifully matted and framed Ansel Adams photos sharing space with other art and mirrors I'd previously had. Now there are blown up scenic pics from my own vacations lining my hallway so every time I go down to my bedroom I pass those wonderful memories. What REALLY makes me smile is how they are placed.... they're fairly low down, right at MY eye level. I'm not here to please or impress anyone else anymore. So their placement makes me giggle. You can tell a short person lives here.

My laundry room and powder room needed new flooring (the old linoleum had completely pulled away from the walls years ago) so my older son tiled the floors and my younger son painted the walls. Totally changed the look and I'm now hunting down things to put on the powder room wall.

Next came an incredibly beautiful tapestry from Guatemala that my older son gave me and which is now hanging in my dining room. He'd watched the older women make them in a tiny village he discovered a couple of months ago when he was there. It doesn't really go with ANYthing else in style but I don't care. It's lush and gorgeous and it brings a shock of color that makes me smile and I love it's imperfection (you can really tell it wasn't made in a factory).

And my younger son just gave me a March of the Penguins poster (posters were always a big no-no) that is now placed on the wall here where I sit to work at my computer every day. That one makes me really smile.

Next I'm hiring someone to tile my kitchen floor, having already bought the tiles. Turns out I'm getting a decent tax refund so that may happen sooner rather than later.

There's more that needs doing within the next year or two, my bedroom and ensuite, some hardwood flooring in the living/dining rooms.

I've discovered a whole new world that I'm thoroughly enjoying and about which I get quite excited. My main shopping used to be at book, music and video stores. Now I haunt decorating stores to get ideas. What fun!

Saturday, March 18, 2006

To blog or not to blog

I find myself feeling very ambiguous about blogging lately and haven't sorted it all out in my own mind yet.

As I've mentioned, I find the process pretty therapeutic but not as much as private journaling. While being aware of a potential audience has helped me in a way in that it forces me to keep moving forward and not just wallow, on the other hand I find myself not blogging everything I'm really feeling even if those feelings needs expression because I'm worried about being too revealing, giving away too much of myself, or looking too pathetic. At the same time, I'm not sure that stopping altogether or blocking access to everyone else is the solution for me either.

I also set myself parameters for this blog, ones I want to stick to, deliberately keeping it about my own personal journey in healing and rebuilding my life (one of the reasons, in addition to respecting their privacy, I don't talk much about my sons' lives). At the same time, there are issues in the world that are tempting me, issues about which I have always felt passionately. South Dakota taking the option of abortion away from women, for example, the HPV vaccine which has disgustingly become a political issue in the States, Walmart and Plan B, or the Arianna/George Clooney ghost-blogging issue. There are a few solutions to that: just blog about those issues already - I mean, any rules are mine to break - or create another blog or just comment on others' blogs when they discuss those issues (though some blog entries are so good I suspect my comments would be more along the lines of 'ditto' *laugh*). I don't seem to have the energy for any of it these days.

And time is playing a part here in an ironical way. I AM starting to live my life, at least some of the time. And I'd rather be living it than blogging. Or at least away from the damn computer when I'm not working. That's a GOOD thing but it means less blogging.

And yes, I realize I'm making it more complicated than it needs to be. I can blog or not depending on whether I want to or not, whether it's right for me or not, and can blog on whatever I want if I can figure out what it is I want to say.

I guess this was just my usual long, meandering route to explain why I'm blogging less often lately.

For today, I'm gonna go out and enjoy the sunshine.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Ready or not

Things aren't working out so well with the casual dating I've been doing with a gentleman in my area and I've been left feeling lonelier than ever on the weekends especially, despite pursuing my own life in other areas. I am still not looking for a big time relationship, just someone to go out with now and then, talk on the phone with now and then.

Sooooooo...... I went looking at an online dating service. I deliberately chose one that isn't all about getting married (but no, not any of the ones that were just about 'hooking up' either).

Interesting. Discouraging. Surreal. Humorous. All rolled into one.

And they kind of draw you in so the next thing you know, ready or not it seems, you're creating your own profile. I chose not to include a pic. Most women don't, at least at the site I was on, and I'm not surprised. It's less about being shy about myself personally as the idea of everyone in my neighborhood knowing I'm looking, etc. (I've seen enough on message boards where people, both men and women, talk about looking on those sites to see who in their neighborhood is looking, just for fun. Ha ha. ;-P) Nothing to be embarassed about but also not something I want to broadcast, ya know?

I shared I had fibromyalgia. I shared I'm anything but svelt.

And I sent a note to one and received a note from another.

Setting myself up for all sorts of new ways to be rejected. ;-)

Meanwhile, my gentleman friend is still interested in his own way too. Sorta. *rollseyes* He's very mixed up in his own life and does a lot of pull me closer, push me away and I think I'd rather just be friends for a variety of reasons.

And sometimes I just wanna crawl into a hole and hide. This all feels too hard, takes too much energy. I don't know that I'm ready but I tend to jump into things before I'm ready and let the chips fall where they may. If I sit around thinking too much about it all (whatever the 'it' happens to be at any point in my life) it gets too scary and I'll talk myself out of taking chances.

So here I am, acutely aware of what I've lost and how long it's been since I last saw my Australian friend, and jumping feet first into the water anyway.


Tuesday, March 07, 2006


For setting the example of strength and love and appreciating the joy and love while it's there. I ache for your son. And I hope that you and Chris are together again.

I have been remiss in counting my blessings. So.....

Thank you, Michael....

For Oregon, Tofino, Disneyland and Australia.

For all the Myst-like games. For the virtual explorations of Egypt and imaginary planets and fantastical worlds filled with beauty and music. For the constant word and board and trivia games.

For the laughter that was always there. For being silly. For letting me be the clown.

For hearing me. For encouraging me. For helping me find the half full cup. For believing in me. For showing me how strong I was, how capable, how much I'd overcome.

For letting me love you so fully and in so many ways.

For the balloon ride at dawn over the desert. For climbing the bridge. For the world of fine dining. For the adventure and exploration of rain forests and mountains and oceansides. For the haunting bird calls in the blue mountains. For the mountain glade in the moonlight. For swimming in the ocean at night. For sharing the whales and bears and eagles and hummingbirds. For the gift of wallabies and kangaroos and birds of every sound and rich color, haunting and joyful and exquisite. For the sea eagles and albatross.

For making love under the gum trees overlooking the ocean. For the constant passion and sensuality.

For sharing music and books and plays and movies and t.v. shows and introducing me to cricket.

For the playfulness. For the wordplay. For the letters. The perfect gifts and cards, both given and received.

For convincing me I was loveable.

I'm sorry I wasn't with you when you died.

Thank you for it all.

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr. Seuss

I'm trying.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

You know you're in trouble when.... google 'horoscope' hoping to find some good news for your life out there. What's really bad is that each horoscope site I went to had gloomy news. *LOL* I thought these places were supposed to tell you what you wanted to hear!?! Hmmmph!

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Been reeeeeally busy and struggling emotionally and physically. I was going to continue to stay away because I really have nothing worthwhile to say but then I kicked myself and reminded myself that it's when I am most tempted to withdraw and hide is when I most need to write out my feelings and/or share.

Things are going well in many ways. I've really got nothing to complain about. A bit worried about some issues with my sons. But that's about it in terms of day to day life. Work is going okay. Some continued renovating in my home are going okay. I'm blessed with my sons. I have a roof over my head. We've had some sunshine. I even visited a lovely blue heron reserve not too far from here, one of the smaller things on my list for this year.

Okay, so the FM pain has been flaring again. And I usually don't sleep during the week. I sleep on weekends only because I take something to make me sleep but they're not meds that can be taken on a regular basis (nor do I want to as their hangover effect is icky) so I'm out of luck the rest of the week. About six weeks ago I took myself off the last regular med I took, the only med I was taking for FM (for the sleep disorder part of the condition, not the pain), suspecting I was allergic to it. (Yes, I discussed this with my doctor.) I think I was right. But that means poorer sleep than ever, between that and the pain.

My on again/off again friendship with a man is.... who knows? It confuses me and every time I think I have a handle on how to handle it all within myself, I end up getting insecure all over again. This isn't even about the man/woman relationship. It is about friendship and, due to some other experiences with another friend, I have a lot of inner doubts about my worthiness as a friend.

But mostly I'm just unbearably lonely. Just about everything is triggering me missing my Aussie friend and reinforcing my belief that that was it for me. That I have a very long life ahead of me to spend alone and unloved and never being special to anyone again.

Maybe it's just PMS and I'll be fine in another couple of days. For decades PMS wasn't an issue for me at all. Okay, except for general clumsiness and a heightened sex drive (I have to be the only woman whose partners actually looked forward to that time of the month *chuckle*). That's not the case the last year or two. Blech.

Enough of this. Self pity parties are no fun without the booze.

Speaking of which.... my best friend is coming over this Thursday and staying the night. We both need some girl time. Some drunken girl time. With nachos.